Private Practice

I started, officially, today. It's been in the works for months but today was the day.

I met with 1) my first private client 2) my first couple (oh, boy) for couples therapy ever. I was nervous, but that excited sort of nervous.

It went pretty well. As well as couples therapy first session goes, I guess. I was confident, I was experienced (so I hope they thought), I was an expert, and I had authority. I told her if there is any hope in the marriage working out she's gonna have to try and I told him that he has a million dollar debt (of trust) to repay his wife...starting now. He asked for feedback and I told him, "You sure about that because my feedback can be like a backhanded slap." He looked scared. I looked poised.

I told them, and now I tell you, one of the most important things I have ever said in therapy:

Emotionally sound children are raised with parents that have a healthy relationship with each other. Your children deserve your efforts here, don't they?

BTW, marriage does not define the healthy relationship. The healthy relationship can occur with separation and with divorce--it's just harder and requires more work and happens much less often.

My second private practice client is tomorrow 8:00 am. I'm dedicated aren't I? I haven't gotten up for an 8:00 session in I can't remember how long.

This Is Pretty Funny

Hippo began throwing temper tantrums at nine months.  This shows the last part of a pretty nasty one he started in his high chair during dinner.  I came home from work while Hippo was eating and L showed me this helmet he had gotten for Hippo to wear in the bike trailer.  Hippo had a four week period where he was completely obsessed with hats; when he saw the helmet he began demanding to wear it.  It wasn't even out of the package yet and we were eating spaghetti--no one wanted to have to clean up the helmet and so we didn't give it to him to wear until after dinner.

Animal Noises

Summer Fun Photos

Pioneer Day Celebration at L's aunt's house.

We went to the Hogle Zoo in the morning on Pioneer Day.  Hippo got to pet a tortoise!

Unfortunately the Gorilla wasn't on display but I don't think Hippo knew the difference between this one and the real one.

 

We just got a carpet cleaner and Hippo couldn't be more excited.  He has been in love with vacuums since he was old enough to pay attention.

We try and go swimming once a week.  Hippo really loves it.

Positive Attitudes & Good News

My dad called last night.

A major component of our discussion was about my grandparents' ailing health. My Grandma Hazel has dementia and her body and thought functioning has degraded significantly in that she struggles with mobility and communication. My Grandpa Glen recently had a hip replacement procedure which did not take well and consequently has been in agonizing pain; this led the doctors to discover a not-yet-diagnosed heart problem. The related stress is tremendous on their spouses and my parents who do much of their care giving.

Near the end of the conversation my dad asked me if there was any good news, as our conversation had been quite doomy and gloomy. I couldn't think of any. Because a close neighbor and friend (our much respected and valued clergy) has been quite ill, we continue to be involved in a ferocious feud with another neighbor, Henry has been sick, my job (new boss) is not secure, L is working a lot, L is stressed over the GRE, and so on and so forth...

***

Pause for a second for me to philosophize on 'positive attitudes.' I don't believe in them. Optimism is for the delusional and for schmucks trying to sell you something.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not a pessimist (at least anymore) and I find pessimism boorish and, further, depressing.

But, overly enthusiastic people continue promote the myth that positive people are happier. This is only because ignorance is bliss; unfortunately ignorance is also stupidity, by definition. Stupid people, after all is said and done, are not happier and just may be, due to complications related to their ignorance, less happy than average.

In therapy I cannot think of an instance where it would be effective or helpful for me to respond to some one's suffering by saying, "Let's discuss the bright side of your ________ (problem)." Looking at the positive side of things is simply invalidating. Incredibly, after people feel validated in their suffering is when their suffering eases and they naturally become happier. Only then can they experience and understand the good that came from their problem(s).

I received a text from an old client the other day which reads, "I never thought this day would come..Thanks." His life story (just 20 short years) is so riddled with trauma, loss, disappointment, abuse, rejection, criminal behavior, cognitive delays you would be shocked at the lot this child has been handed in life. His biography could fill an A to Z encyclopedia set, seriously. One pivotal day in therapy he looked up at me (he had been hanging his head) through deep soul-sobs and said, "I wouldn't change any of it." Me: "Really? Not anything?" Him: "No." Me, quietly and incredulously: "Why not?" Him: "Because...I wouldn't be me..." And then he smiled, tearfully.

He is not an example of a positive attitude and fortitude. When he came to me he was broken--completely--by life. It is, instead, a display of the wisdom that comes with experiencing life's crap, embracing the reality of the situation, and working through it in an honest and REALISTIC manner. In a later session he said excitedly, "My whole life has changed!" Me: "No it hasn't." (referring to the fact that he continued to have all of his problems) Him: "Yeah it has." Me, very suspiciously: "How?" Him: "I see it all differently now, I see me different. I like myself. I just always feel like I can do this, whatever happens."

Again, his statements are not that of a positive attitude--that nothing bad will ever happen and that all will be okay. It is a reality-based attitude. What he is saying is that he will face adversity when it arrives and that he will cope when all is not well. AND, he will recognize and cherish those beautiful moments when all is well.

***

I couldn't think of any good news...but I was (am) genuinely happy.

Isn't that the best news of all? Despite all being not well, I am happy. And that I experience joy.

Today I joyed in the following ordinary things:

Spending a warm afternoon swimming while gazing at majestic mountains in the short distance and having the sun's rays beat down upon my shoulders while cool water lapped occasionally over them, with eight other girls varying ages from 47 to seven. All while Hippo slept lazily a short distance away.

Eating nachos supreme.

Being kissed by a slobbery 16 month-old beautiful baby boy.

Feeling the wind rush through my slightly sweaty scalp.

Picking a 27 lb child up out of a crib to have him rest his head on my shoulder.

Feeling the "sweet sorrow" of parting from L as he left for work.

Hearing the neighbor kids argue over who was "going to feed the cats."

Howling with a neighborhood dog.

Eating a sun-ripened raspberry, juicy and a bit warm off of the plant.

Touching Damnit's soft fur as she walked quietly past my head.

Feeling the relief of urinating.

Being cooled by ice water.

Laughing.

Looking forward to Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Reading my brother and sister's blogs.

...and men are that they might have joy. --2 Nephi 2:25

I Can't Believe the Cat Just Threw Up On Me And Other Thoughts of the Day

Spending an entire day with myself was a luxury laid to rest last March. Back then I was so thoughtful.  Thinking over work problems, thinking over world problems, thinking over home problems.  Thinking over triumphs, thinking over books read, thinking over meals eaten, thinking over my outfit choice, thinking over my next shoe purchase...thinking, thinking, thinking.

I definitely still think, just different now.  I think more simply, I think.

Here's a sample from today:

OH MY GOSH!  I can't believe the cat just threw up on me!!!!!  And my new white couch!

Doesn't anyone brush their teeth to go to the gym anymore?

When I nearly lost consciousness each time the lady on the bike next to mine turned in my direction

Apparently people with Swine Flu don't go to Target.

When I discovered Target doesn't provide sanitation wipes for carts.

What should I have for dessert tonight?

At 8:45 am

Really.?.

After reading that Feds have come to believe the Patriot Act just may be illegal.

Nobody will ever know if I de-bug my organic garden...will they?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Maybe I should implement a swear jar.

After the my RS president neighbor overheard me swearing up a storm over a small catastrophe involving a garden hose, a baby, and a lot of mud.

Who knew a bubble blowing stick could be so entertaining?

After Hippo played with it for nearly one hour.

I feel happy.

After seeing a leashed dog become unleased by its owner and bounded across the park's sunny lawn to spring itself in the air after a frisbee.

I hope my Grandpa will be okay.

Cows say "Mooooo", Cats say "Meow", Snakes say "Ssss", Dogs say "Woof, Woof", Sheep say "Baaa"

Wouldn't You Know

It happened again.

That's right.

I was asked if I am a trainer at the gym today.

My head is swelling so huge I can hardly keep it up.

(or is it my biceps that are swelling?)

I'm Cute and Smart

Just to Prove it To You

I really can walk!

I'm Fifteen Months

Did you miss me?

My mommy said people aren't as interested in toddlers as they are in babies and so she wouldn't let me post an update at 13 or 14 months.  But a lot has happened since my birthday.

I can walk!  I know you saw the video a few weeks ago, but I am pretty good at it now.  My cousin Sambo was visiting me this week and since he is so athletic, headed to the 2012 London Olympics in gymnastics (he is 18 months-old), he taught me how to walk REALLY well.  

I have dropped all but one bottle per day--my mommy keeps the one at bedtime because I refuse to drink milk at all unless it is in a bottle and she says I need the nutrients.  I also eat 100% regular food--no more baby food which is super sad for me since I was one in a million that LOVED baby food.  I also have 12 teeth; my fourth molar came in today! My mommy noticed it when she brushed my teeth tonight. 

I am still big for my age.  My mommy thinks I am nearly 30 lbs and I am wearing 18-24 month-old clothes.  Although, I have thinned out quite a bit in the last several weeks which makes my mommy a little sad because she loved my chunkiness.  

I have a large vocabulary which grows just about everyday.  My vocabulary is so large, in fact, most people don't believe my mommy's bragging until they meet me.  Just today I learned how to say 'please,' which I pronounce "peas", "hat", and "sit."  When my mommy came to get me out of bed this morning I grabbed the hat on her head and exclaimed, "HAT!"  She didn't even realize I knew what a hat is.  Most people find my animal noises delightful.  When my daddy asks, "What does a mom say?"  I answer by exclaiming, "No. No! NO!" When my mommy asks, "What does a dad say?" I answer saying, "Der!" I really like to say "hi" to people in the store, even when I don't know them.  My mommy isn't sure if my friendliness makes people feel tickled or feel uncomfortable; she says it makes her feel really uncomfortable.   

I still throw temper tantrums A L-O-T.  It's just that when my mommy doesn't do what I want her to do I get SOOOO ANGRY.  When I throw temper tantrums or when I hit/scratch/scream I go to time out for one minute and even though I cry the whole time I always change my attitude and forgive my mommy. Sometimes my temper tantrums make my mommy laugh but she stops when I look at her so she won't encourage my naughty behavior.  Sometimes they just make her mad.  Like when I head-butted her jugular at the Tracy Aviary last week--it knocked the wind out of her and she almost dropped me on cement.  That's not how I got this shiner, however.  I fell against a train table at the Children's Treehouse Museum in Ogden, Utah.  My mommy wishes it would hurry up and heal so she can stop looking like a child abuser.  I wouldn't stop moving for the camera so sorry about the unclear picture.  

People say I am a ham for attention.  I am not shy at all, which is exactly opposite to my mommy's personality (one more way I am like my daddy).  My mommy hopes my attention seeking is more to do with personality quirkiness than due to emotional instability.

My mommy is most happy that I've started to play with my toys by myself for extended amounts of time (20 or so minutes nearly everyday).  My mommy says she is happy she can check her email or fix dinner in a bit of peace now.  Hmm, we'll see.

I still like to be outside.  My mommy can't figure out why I am willing to eat leaves, sticks, stones, and dirt but not the vegetable she offers.  I even wear the sun hat and sunglasses she puts on me, pretty well.  I love to go for runs/walks in my jogging stroller.  Except to the library, I hate the library.  I love to torture my mommy at the library, however--yelling, screaming, throwing temper tantrums, pulling books off shelves, crawling as fast as I can away from her, crawling out the front door, laughing hysterically loudly, and anything else I can do to make her stress and rush out before she finds something good to read.  

Here is a list of my favorites at this time of life:

Food:   Strawberries and raspberries (from my very own garden), oranges, goldfish crackers,     pretzels, string cheese, peanut butter, graham crackers, chips, cookies, and ice cream*

*You may be wondering why my mommy has given me junk food.  She hasn't.  Other people     have and now she has caved to my pressure (yelling and screaming).  She now gives me               one cookie for eating my dinner well and she will teach me words with ice cream.  Hence,           how I learned "peas" today.

Parent:  Daddy

Toy:  Little People Farm and Little People Tractor

Thing to do:  Feed the cows and drive the tractor with my daddy or go to the gym

Book:  New Hat, Old Hat--Berenstains

Drink:  Water

Time of Day:  Nighttime, I am a night owl like my daddy

Way to Act in Church:  Obnoxious

Household Chore:  Vacuuming

Animal:  Cows and cats

Clothing Item:  Shoes (a word I can say)

Word:  "Moo" and "Baby"

Friend:  Every kid I meet

Songs:  "Boom, Boom, Pow"--Black Eyed Peas; "Poker Face"--Lady GaGa; "Sexes on Fire"--       Kings of Leon; "Your Call"--Secondhand Serenade; "Halo"--Beyonce; The entire Taylor               Swift Fearless album; "Then"--Brad Paisley; "Kiss Through the Phone"--Soulja Boy Tell             'Em Featuring Sammie; "Her Diamonds"--Rob Thomas

Person to Kiss: MOMMY!

Therapeutic Thursday--Parenting 101

Parenting is not easy (I am finding out first hand).  There are some things, however, that are easy enough to avoid and to do in order to give your children a head start on success:

Don't:

-Use drugs

-Abuse your children physically 

-Abuse your children emotionally

-Abuse your children sexually

-Neglect your children

-Criticize your children (that's different from giving constructive feedback)

-Allow anyone else to use drugs around your children

-Allow anyone else to abuse your children physically

-Allow anyone else to abuse your children emotionally

-Allow anyone else to abuse your children sexually

-Allow anyone else to neglect your children

-Stereoptype and label your children

-Give your children everything they want, or everything you want for them

Do:

-Admit to your children when you have made a mistake in parenting them

-Forgive your children quickly and freely

-Teach your children

  Accountability

  Charity

  Mercy

  Forgiveness

  To work hard

  To stand up for others

  Humility

  To work well with others

  Assertiveness--healthy conflict resolution

  Honesty and Integrity

  Manage money

  About healthy lifestyles

-Have patience

-Spend time with them in many different contexts and activities

-Provide for their needs as well as a few wants from time to time

-Read with your children, or to them

-Listen to their thoughts and feelings

-Be democratic when it becomes developmentally appropriate

-Model being a good person

-Know your children's friends, well

Anything to add?

Feeding Cows

Remember When

I  must be in a mushy mood lately because even though I know you've heard this song I just can't get enough of it lately:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Y4NTXT96EM&NR=1

And yes, I remember when 30 seemed old.

Therapeutic Thursday--A Follow Up

We do a lot of following up in therapy… 

Last week I posted about being treated well and as I wrote the post I knew there was something missing. 

Here it is:

I’ve caused hurt.  I’ve caused many people to hurt.  I’ve hurt people. 

This isn’t an apology, by the way, because I HATE those. 

Apologies do little to acknowledge the actual damage that’s been done.  The damage that is left long after…

 

And public statements do little to mend a broken heart.

 

This post isn’t meant to blanket over, by a few flowery statements, the individual harm I’ve caused.  I am not attempting to ease my conscience. Know, my conscience will NEVER be eased. 

 

I have spent many nights thinking of the individuals (specific people) I’ve tossed aside, I’ve condescended, I’ve patronized, I’ve gossiped, I’ve dismissed, I’ve cut off, I’ve ignored, I’ve criticized, I’ve acted better than and self righteous. 

 

One sleepless night I thought of the girl named Rose.  How could I have been so hurtful?

 

Then I thought of others.  Individuals, people, my friends, my family.  With feelings.  With hopes.  With dreams. With potential.  With people who love them and hope that no one will ever trample on them…like I have.

 

If only their mother’s knew where I lived…

 

***

 

The question I get most often in therapy:

                        How could they have done such an awful thing?

                        How could have I done such an awful thing?

 

The answer is so extraordinarily complicated and difficult to understand (and for some it takes years and years of therapy), but here it is:

 

When people have been hurt they often (but not always—those that do not are considered resilient) shut off a portion of their emotions which allow them to accept the harm that has been done to them.  So they can cope.  The unfortunate consequence is they are unable to have empathy (remember, they shut it off)—an appropriate emotional response—for others (at least thoroughly and adequately) and thus, end up hurting.

 

And so the cycle goes.

***

 

I wrote last week about my healing.  My emotional responses—the appropriate and effective ones—have been turned back on. 

 

And to remind myself always to

 

Treat people as if they were what they should be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming.

--Johann von Goethe

 

of which I am now capable.

A Love Letter

Dear Sun,

I know it's only been nine months since I've seen your morning glow but it feels like the eternities the Bible speaks of.  Each day, instead of concentrating on those things which should occupy my mind, my thoughts are on your warm embrace...which I have missed each second of each minute of each hour of each day of each week of each of nine months.

When are you coming to me?  How many more days will I lie anxiously in wait of your 100+ degree weather?  

I miss you.  I love you. 

Passionately,

Your Not-So-Secret Admirer

***

It has been the wettest June in the nine summers I have lived in Utah.  And my third most favorite day of the year is approaching, the summer solstice (the third only to #1 the first day of Spring and #2 the 4th of July.

RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY!

AND DON'T COME AGAIN SOME OTHER DAY!

Feeding Ducks Thirty Words Later

We especially loved this beautiful black swan.

Hippo doesn't have a great throwing arm quite yet.

This duck mother had ten ducklings in her litter!  She was quite protective nipping at Seagulls when they got near.

Hippo learned how a duck says, "Quack," on this outing.

I've been bragging that Hippo knows more than thirty words.  People do not believe me and I think they are annoyed over the bragging.  Hippo is nearly 15 months-old and not walking very well, took his first steps around 13 months.  He finally crawled around eleven months and has never really mastered the art. Moreover, since he has been s...l...o...w to develop gross motor skills whereas most children master them first in a long list of developmental milestones, I feel I'm entitled to a little bragging.  

Geez.

It's true.  His word count is approximately 35 now that he has learned, "quack". He also learned water, flower, and rag this week.  Sure, they are pronounced, "wah-wah" and "fowah" and "rahg" but what do you expect from a 15 month-old genius?

Therapeutic Thursday

This hangs on the outside of my office door: 

Treat people as if they were what they should be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming.

--Johann von Goethe

When I hung it up more than three years ago I hoped it would not be something I became so used to I would forget the meaning and so I reflect on Johann von Goethe's statement often.  

This week several of my long term clients are graduating high school.  All going in various directions.  One will join the military, one will enter the workforce, one will go to college, one will go to trade school, one will get married, one will move to an adult group home, and one will serve a religious mission.  Others will follow family patterns of low productivity, crime, and drug abuse.

This week I am asking myself if I did them justice.  Did I adequately look past their presentation to their potential? Did I see a light at the end of their tunnels which, upon arrival, is full of possibility?   I hope so.

Was I distracted from their capabilities?  Was I captured by their problems?  Did I buy in to their belief that they will be nothing important?  I hope not.  

But I can't shake the feeling that I can do better.

A special supervisor (and friend) taught me what it felt like to be treated as if I was what I ought to be.  

It was uncomfortable at times.

I didn't always believe her.  Sometimes I was compelled to prove her wrong, to let her know I wasn't nearly as great as she thought I was.

It never worked, she always saw me as if I was already the best version of myself...

                     EVEN WHEN I WAS BAD

In fact, she was HONORED to know me.

     

                 She told me once 

       (acted like it millions of times).

She also asked me one day this, incredulously:

How is it possible you don't know how perfect you are?

And I cried

                     for past hurts.  

And she cried with me.

And then I began becoming what I was capable of becoming.

I am still on the journey.

My life purpose as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter, and as a therapist: to give the gift she has given me; the one Johann von Goethe is speaking about.

We LOVE Rodizio Grill

We ate and ate and ate and ate.  Then we ate some more.  

Hippo ate and ate and ate and ate.  Then he ate some more.  

I've Decided To Go Clinical

8

was the number worn by baseball greats Yogi Berra and Cal Ripken Jr.

percent of US children qualify for an ADHD diagnosis

was my first softball number

is the age of accountability

is the atomic number for O (Oxygen)

sides makes an Octagon

legs (tentacles) make an Octopus...or a spider

vegetables make V8 juice

is how old Damn is

maids-a-milking

ball will either win you a game of pool, or will result in your loss

fluid ounces make a cup

years ago L and I met

often means "eternity" with no start or end

is a lucky number in China

years ago I graduated with a BS from Brigham Young University

percent of drivers are on their cell phone while driving

keys make an octave

days a week is a Beetles song

is the center field position, in baseball

th astrological sign is scorpio, my astrological sign

miles is how much I ran the other day

furlongs make a mile

X 8 = 64 furlongs is how much I ran the other day

                                                      And I could have run more...

Here's What You've (I mean I've) Been Waiting For

Of Snow Horses

Just about a year ago, when Hippo was a newborn, my sister and her two boys came to visit.  I don't remember much about their stay other than Hippo was crying incessantly.

But...

I will never forget Buddy, my sister's oldest, and his fascination (or obsession) with the Snow Horse.

***

Utah Pioneer legend says:

Once you can see the Snow Horse on the Farmington Canyon Peak of the Wasatch Mountains, you can go ahead and plant your gardens, specifically tomatoes, because the risk of frost is past.

***

L's family has been Utah's largest tomato farm for decades, and so they take the Pioneer advice very seriously.  Buddy, an avid animal lover, learned of the Snow Horse from L's dad, Mister Con, while they were here last year.

Mister Con thought he was being nice and friendly to a sweet interested four year-old child. Little did he know he was creating an obsession.  Buddy talked of NOTHING else during their stay. And boy, can Buddy talk.  

He wanted to know:  what the Snow Horse's name is, what the Snow Horse eats, where the Snow Horse lives, where the Snow Horse sleeps, if the Snow Horse has friends, how old the Snow Horse is, what color the Snow Horse is, how big the Snow Horse is, if the Snow Horse can talk, how the Snow Horse got on the mountain, if the Snow Horse likes living on the mountain, if the Snow Horse ever goes off of the mountain, if he can go see the Snow Horse, if the Snow Horse is mean or nice, if the Snow Horse is wild, if he can have the Snow Horse, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.

See what I mean?

Hence, why I remember it even though I was seriously post-partum with a screaming baby. 

It's  now planting time on the farm, always an exciting time.  And sure enough, the Snow Horse is visible.  Mister Con said to me last week, "Does Buddy still like the Snow Horse?" to which I replied, "We don't talk about the Snow Horse...don't ever mention the Snow Horse under ANY circumstance when Buddy is around."

To Answer Your Question Grandpa...

No.

Sorry for the inconvenient angle.

If your name is Buddy, you may want to leave the room before your mom watches this video. (Hippo's cousin Buddy hates this song.  I think it's the only thing they disagree on).

Notice the several shoulder rolls.

Hip, What's Your Favorite Song?

Can you see/hear him singing along?  He says, "Boom, boom, boom."  

The Trainer In...Me

You know I've been working out like crazy.  

I've always enjoyed working out, really, but there are times I am less motivated to burn calories than I am motivated to consume them.  Further, I am not an athlete--as I've mentioned before. Working out is also complicated by my life-long battle with Asthma (which has sent me to the ER on more than one occasion).  

When I was a kid my sister and I would throw a workout record, of my mom's, onto the old turn table and dress up in our leotards to perform the exercises in the living room.  My favorite track on the record was Olivia Newton John's, "Physical."  I would actually get sweaty during these workouts.

I began playing sports in the fourth grade and so naturally I was pretty fit throughout the years. I remember being complimented on my physique often in early high school.  

Like thousands of other teens, I began to be severely depressed mid-sophomore year of high school and ended up quitting all athletics at that time (one of the diagnostic criteria for Major Depressive Disorder, according to the DSM-IV Revised, Ed. is a loss of interest in things that used to be enjoyable).  Consequently, my weight began to yo-yo.  At one point, without trying, I lost 15 lbs only to gain it back plus 15 more within just a few months.  Weight change is a very common effect of Major Depressive Disorder.  

Eventually, I headed off to college and there I found myself living a food lover's dream come true--all you can eat cafeteria breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Unfortunately, my sister got married a few days after I finished my freshman year which cemented in time (wedding pictures) me at my fattest, somewhere in the 150 lb range.  Fortunately, getting out of the eating 24/7 culture was helpful and that summer I shed at least 20 lbs without trying.  

Depression hit again sophomore year of college and with it my weight blossomed again.  By my senior year, however, my mood had improved and I began jogging nearly everyday and began playing racquetball several times per week. Looking back at pictures of that year I was seriously hot.  This ended my "fat phase" as I like to call it to people who've only met me after the fatness.  People have a really hard time believing that I was so heavy at times in my life, because I have now been quite petite for more than eight years.  

But...then...I...got...pregnant...

I actually only gained 27 lbs over the course of my pregnancy.  Pretty good, really.  I lost the weight within about six months without putting too much effort in.  I, however, never recovered my shape.  There was extra-stuff everywhere. Love handles where there weren't any before--even in the fat phase.  

So in January 2009 I'd had enough.  I got back on the workout wagon--merely 18 months prior I was training for a marathon for crying out loud!

I began to really enjoy myself.  And the results were promising.  As you remember, I put the workouts into over-drive when I was invited to Hawaii which gave me such good results I could easily say I was looking pretty darn fine.

A few days before I was to travel to Oregon I was doing my leg workout when a regular (people who are there often while I am there) gestured to me.  I was REALLY annoyed.  First, of course if anyone male talks to me at the gym I am going to assume they are hitting on me (right?). Second, I go the gym to workout, not to fraternize (like many others do).  Third, I'd seen this guy several times and he had never talked to me before.  Fourth, he was working out with who I had always assumed was his girlfriend/wife.  Fifth, I had my I.POD in and like I could hear what he was saying.

I pull my ear bud out and ask him rudely to repeat.  He said, "Are you a trainer?"

Me:  WHAT!?

Him: Yeah, I'm just wondering if you are a trainer?

*It should be noted this guy is totally ripped--super in shape*

Me:  HAHAHAHAHA!  Uh, no...why?

Him: I've seen you working out a lot and just wondered.  

His girlfriend/wife:  Yeah.

Me:  No.  HAHAHAHA.  Thanks, though...seriously, SERIOUSLY, thanks!

I was giddy all day (I'm still giddy, thinking back on it), bragging to anyone who would listen.  

I've never been more flattered in my ENTIRE life.  I don't think I could possibly be more flattered if someone gave me a mother of the year award or a therapist of the year award.  

Are my priorities messed up?

I guess I should have said yes and told him I charge $100 per session.  Maybe I'll be a more successful pretend trainer than I am a mother or therapist (clearly it's been a tough week in those arenas).  

Oregon, Washington, and Idaho

The month of May has been a month of vacation.  

On April 30 we traveled to Oregon to visit my parents and siblings, and of course Hippo's cousins Buddy and Sambo.  We stayed at my sister's brand new, and absolutely gorgeous and perfect, house.  

Friday May 1st the family traveled, caravan style, to Seattle where we attended a Seattle Mariner's baseball game.  All professional sports teams have theme nights and this game's theme was, "We Are Family," honoring families touched by adoption.  It was a special experience to support Buddy and Sambo and my sister and brother-in-law.  

Hippo was ready, but no fly balls came our way

It was also very cool to bring Hippo to a place, Safeco Field, which is home to many of my favorite childhood memories.  

*Sniff* *Sniff*  Unfortunately Ken Griffey Jr. had the night off .  *Sniff*  *Sniff*

We spent the weekend in Seattle, enjoying Pike's Street Market, ferry rides, and fried fish.

Ferry Ride in Puget Sound--Hippo really liked it

Back in Oregon a few days later Hippo and I were able to visit my elderly and ailing grandma Hazel.  As difficult it is to see her health declining it was touching to see her eyes brighten when the kids came into the room.

While in Oregon we also visited a Wildlife Refuse near my sister's house where we saw a Bald Eagle! amongst other beautiful birds (pointed out, very expertly, by Hippo's five year-old cousin Buddy); ate at my favorite restaurant in the entire world (if you can call it that, it is a sandwich bar at the local butcher in the town I grew up); explored my mom's extraordinary garden (Hippo eating dirt and stones); worked out at my sister's five star athletic club (where I was politely offered a drink of water by an immaculately dressed man pushing a cart full of H2O); had a family dinner where my brother treated us to his culinary expertise (which included pizza and cheesecake...could it get any better than that?); and spent some precious time with my life long friend (and luckily cousin), Brandy.

Hippo very much enjoyed his cousins.  Can't you tell?

***

Though we forgot our camera, last weekend we spent at L's family property in Mink Creek, ID. I used to think Idaho was a ridiculous piece of US property, only good for the 75 MPH freeway speed limits.  Despite the horrid name, Mink Creek has changed my mind completely and has become one of my favorite places in the world.  The quiet nature of this little foothill town (where cell service is impossible for at least 15 miles) is incredible.  The river boasts world class fly fishing and in the summer it is an unbeatable float.  There are canyons to explore on foot or ATVs.  There's an ice cave where in the dead of summer it's still icy, even when it's 100+ degrees Fahrenheit outside.  The wildlife is close by--we've seen owls, eagles and hawks (once saw one nab a fish out of a pond 100 yards in front of us), moose, deer, etc.  

Going to Idaho also means playing the Idaho State Lotto!  

The trip went well, despite it starting off with a family feud and me battling a sinus infection.  L and his brother began remodeling the bathroom in the old homestead only to discover five layers of flooring!  What a chore!  Hippo had fun but got pretty tired of hanging with the girls. When he would get restless his Uncle Bear would carry him around (Uncle Bear is a 300+ lb football lineman) and say, "We're doing man stuff" which absolutely delighted Hippo.  

We've got some special plans this week too.  Tuesday night is the Taylor Swift concert that we are attending with all of L's sisters.  Then Wednesday is L's 30th birthday.   L's birthday always marks the advent of my favorite time of the year.  As I enjoy the outdoors and heat my blogging may get more sporadic than usual.

HIPPO CAN WALK

Just so you know.

Video to come later--when he will cooperate.  In other words, don't hold your breath.

I Thought

being a mother would burn more calories.

Zero Temper Tantrums Today

So why am I so flipping exhausted?

Therapeutic Thursday

A few weeks ago an old friend approached me for some advice on her middle child's behavior problems.  Summing up, the little boy is extremely bossy with peers, to the point of slight aggression on occasion, and insecure at home constantly attention seeking and looking for approval.

I asked her what interventions she has already tried to improve her child's behavior.  She answered that she and her husband have developed an incentive program where he earns stickers throughout the day for positive behavior.  Once he earns a certain amount of stickers he receives a "date" with one of his parents.  

I asked to what degree it has worked; she said there are slight improvements in his daily behavior in that he is completely excited when he earns a sticker. Overall, however, she feels he is still quite insecure and often makes self-degrading comments.

I suggested instead of having their child earn one-on-one parent time they plan it into their week; and come up with other rewards for the stickers.

And what she said made me want to hug her (and I don't hug).  

She said, "I see what you mean.  [My child] deserves my time. He shouldn't have to earn it, he's entitled to it.  And I want to give it to him."

***

Lesson one in therapist school:  Rapport (the therapeutic relationship) is the most important factor in client improvement.

The first thing to do in the first therapy session:  Build Rapport

The most important thing to do throughout the course of therapy (besides safety planning): Maintain Rapport

***

The same concept applies to parenting.  Building rapport with your children is the foundation of parenting.  

How well do you know your child?  Your teenager? Your adult child?

The best way to get to know your child is to spend time with them.  A BYU professor, and long time family therapist would often say, "Quality time is a function of quantity of time."

Here are some free ways you can spend one-on-one time with your child:

-Do the dishes together while the rest of the family is watching TV

-Paint your child's nails

-Help you child with homework

-Show your child their baby pictures and tell your sweetest memories of them

-Listen to your child's favorite song and have them explain why they like it

-Talk in the car

-Go for a walk around the neighborhood

-Go on a hike

-Read a book together

-Play a card game

-Learn about something new together

-Have your child teach you something

-Make cookies together, and then eat them

Anytime I have a parent complain of opposition, defiance, arguing, contempt, non-compliance, instigation, or rebellion from their child I first suggest a weekly one-on-one date which they put on the calendar and allow NOTHING to get in the way.  Very few actually do it.  I've even had parents say, "I can't do that, I don't even like them." (they are referring to their child). I've also had more traditional excuses:  "I don't have the time", "They won't do it", and "That's just going to teach them their bad attitude is okay."

Building a strong relationship with your children, individually, is great prevention for 1) anger management problems 2) sibling relational problems 3) poor grades 4) teenage/adult apathy 5) drug and alcohol abuse 6) sexual promiscuity 7) poor accomplishment.

If you choose to begin spending one-on-one time with your children I suggest the following guidelines:

1.  Not less than once per month

2.  Both parents have involvement (this month Mom does the one-on-one time, next month Dad does)

3.  Cost is minimal--$5.00 per person or less

4.  No movies

5.  No phone calls, no door answering, no checking email/text

6.  No one else is invited--no siblings, no friends, no other family members

7.  At least one hour

8.  The child helps plan the activity

9.  The activity is planned at least a week in advance so the child  (and hopefully parent) can look forward to it.

10.  The conversation focuses on the child

One parent who actually took my suggestion to have one-on-one time with their child provided a special emotional experience for my client.  In session the 10 year-old said to me, when I asked about it, "My mom told me she'd been looking forward to it all week...she said spending time with me is her favorite part of her day."