Therapeutic Thursday--A Follow Up

We do a lot of following up in therapy… 

Last week I posted about being treated well and as I wrote the post I knew there was something missing. 

Here it is:

I’ve caused hurt.  I’ve caused many people to hurt.  I’ve hurt people. 

This isn’t an apology, by the way, because I HATE those. 

Apologies do little to acknowledge the actual damage that’s been done.  The damage that is left long after…

 

And public statements do little to mend a broken heart.

 

This post isn’t meant to blanket over, by a few flowery statements, the individual harm I’ve caused.  I am not attempting to ease my conscience. Know, my conscience will NEVER be eased. 

 

I have spent many nights thinking of the individuals (specific people) I’ve tossed aside, I’ve condescended, I’ve patronized, I’ve gossiped, I’ve dismissed, I’ve cut off, I’ve ignored, I’ve criticized, I’ve acted better than and self righteous. 

 

One sleepless night I thought of the girl named Rose.  How could I have been so hurtful?

 

Then I thought of others.  Individuals, people, my friends, my family.  With feelings.  With hopes.  With dreams. With potential.  With people who love them and hope that no one will ever trample on them…like I have.

 

If only their mother’s knew where I lived…

 

***

 

The question I get most often in therapy:

                        How could they have done such an awful thing?

                        How could have I done such an awful thing?

 

The answer is so extraordinarily complicated and difficult to understand (and for some it takes years and years of therapy), but here it is:

 

When people have been hurt they often (but not always—those that do not are considered resilient) shut off a portion of their emotions which allow them to accept the harm that has been done to them.  So they can cope.  The unfortunate consequence is they are unable to have empathy (remember, they shut it off)—an appropriate emotional response—for others (at least thoroughly and adequately) and thus, end up hurting.

 

And so the cycle goes.

***

 

I wrote last week about my healing.  My emotional responses—the appropriate and effective ones—have been turned back on. 

 

And to remind myself always to

 

Treat people as if they were what they should be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming.

--Johann von Goethe

 

of which I am now capable.