I Thought

being a mother would burn more calories.

Zero Temper Tantrums Today

So why am I so flipping exhausted?

Therapeutic Thursday

A few weeks ago an old friend approached me for some advice on her middle child's behavior problems.  Summing up, the little boy is extremely bossy with peers, to the point of slight aggression on occasion, and insecure at home constantly attention seeking and looking for approval.

I asked her what interventions she has already tried to improve her child's behavior.  She answered that she and her husband have developed an incentive program where he earns stickers throughout the day for positive behavior.  Once he earns a certain amount of stickers he receives a "date" with one of his parents.  

I asked to what degree it has worked; she said there are slight improvements in his daily behavior in that he is completely excited when he earns a sticker. Overall, however, she feels he is still quite insecure and often makes self-degrading comments.

I suggested instead of having their child earn one-on-one parent time they plan it into their week; and come up with other rewards for the stickers.

And what she said made me want to hug her (and I don't hug).  

She said, "I see what you mean.  [My child] deserves my time. He shouldn't have to earn it, he's entitled to it.  And I want to give it to him."

***

Lesson one in therapist school:  Rapport (the therapeutic relationship) is the most important factor in client improvement.

The first thing to do in the first therapy session:  Build Rapport

The most important thing to do throughout the course of therapy (besides safety planning): Maintain Rapport

***

The same concept applies to parenting.  Building rapport with your children is the foundation of parenting.  

How well do you know your child?  Your teenager? Your adult child?

The best way to get to know your child is to spend time with them.  A BYU professor, and long time family therapist would often say, "Quality time is a function of quantity of time."

Here are some free ways you can spend one-on-one time with your child:

-Do the dishes together while the rest of the family is watching TV

-Paint your child's nails

-Help you child with homework

-Show your child their baby pictures and tell your sweetest memories of them

-Listen to your child's favorite song and have them explain why they like it

-Talk in the car

-Go for a walk around the neighborhood

-Go on a hike

-Read a book together

-Play a card game

-Learn about something new together

-Have your child teach you something

-Make cookies together, and then eat them

Anytime I have a parent complain of opposition, defiance, arguing, contempt, non-compliance, instigation, or rebellion from their child I first suggest a weekly one-on-one date which they put on the calendar and allow NOTHING to get in the way.  Very few actually do it.  I've even had parents say, "I can't do that, I don't even like them." (they are referring to their child). I've also had more traditional excuses:  "I don't have the time", "They won't do it", and "That's just going to teach them their bad attitude is okay."

Building a strong relationship with your children, individually, is great prevention for 1) anger management problems 2) sibling relational problems 3) poor grades 4) teenage/adult apathy 5) drug and alcohol abuse 6) sexual promiscuity 7) poor accomplishment.

If you choose to begin spending one-on-one time with your children I suggest the following guidelines:

1.  Not less than once per month

2.  Both parents have involvement (this month Mom does the one-on-one time, next month Dad does)

3.  Cost is minimal--$5.00 per person or less

4.  No movies

5.  No phone calls, no door answering, no checking email/text

6.  No one else is invited--no siblings, no friends, no other family members

7.  At least one hour

8.  The child helps plan the activity

9.  The activity is planned at least a week in advance so the child  (and hopefully parent) can look forward to it.

10.  The conversation focuses on the child

One parent who actually took my suggestion to have one-on-one time with their child provided a special emotional experience for my client.  In session the 10 year-old said to me, when I asked about it, "My mom told me she'd been looking forward to it all week...she said spending time with me is her favorite part of her day."

Maui

I first visited Maui, Hawaii in May 2005 with L after graduating from graduate school.  Because of "a guy he knows" we were able to stay in a five star resort for a mere $50 a night.  It was the nicest hotel I will likely ever stay in--the sheets were for purchase for just $1200!  Anyway, that trip I experienced the magic of Maui. We were able to secure a helicopter ride, for free (another "hook up"), around the island.  Though quite inebriated, our pilot pointed out how the topical view of Maui showed the several different climates there including snow, desert, rain forest, and of course shoreline/oceanic.  This current trip allowed me to experience most of Maui's climates closer up than my first trip allowed (due to a then tight budget).  That first trip, however, is when I fell in love with this beautiful place.  I had visited Oahu on a previous trip and despite some impressive tourist attractions I couldn't really understand why people were always exclaiming that Hawaii was paradise; that just wasn't my experience with all of the man-made beaches and the thousands of tourists and the very high-end shopping (i.e. Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Dolce and Gabbana, etc.) and the prostitution (we didn't have our digital camera back then but we do have a photo of them).

Desert:

Ocean:

I was invited to go to Maui this year with my mother and sister-in-law for my sister-in-law's senior trip.  I was super stoked.  The only problem:  the cellulite on my legs, my pasty white skin whose nemesis is Hawaiian sun (my worst sun burns to date), and my yellowed-thick runner's calluses and nails.  

So I kicked my workouts into high gear.  I took only a few days over the course of four weeks, which I think paid off pretty well...you be the judge.  I think it's pretty brave of me to post this picture in that my suit is not modest.  I tell you, in the four weeks I had to find a suit I could not find a modest one piece.  The online modest retailers either did not have their collections posted and available for purchase OR I could not get them in time for my trip--I called to check. I refuse to post pictures where I am posing with my sister-in-law because she makes me look like I belong in the Maui Ocean Aquarium's whale exhibit.  

Here is a shark at the aquarium.  I liked the hammer head sharks best but didn't get a great picture of one.  BTW, they don't have a whale exhibit.

I also went tanning, a luxury I gave up years ago, and loved every minute of it.  And I got my toenails done with acrylic for $15 at a local beauty school.  

When we arrived in Maui I was immediately hit on by the rent-a-car associate which began a pattern.  I've never been hit on, over the course of a week, as much as I was on this trip.  Mind you, unless I was on the beach/in the water I always wore my wedding ring.  You may think this was flattering to my ego--okay it was a little bit--but mostly it was sort of gross and depressing. Gross because it's never fun to be hit on 1) by ugly people 2) by old men 3) by drunks 4) by the homeless or 5) when referenced as "party girl".  Depressing because I realized, when I was hit on by the younger hunks, that I have now arrived in an age classification that would make me a cougar if I took them up on their offers.  That means I would be robbing the cradle...by several years.  The most awkward situation was when we were being invited to a bonfire and the boys (yes, that's how young they were) were wondering how old we were.  I wondered how to answer their question about when I graduated:  Do you mean when I graduated graduate school, college, or high school?  So I said simply, "Oh, a VERY long time ago."  Thankfully, for me, my sister-in-law wasn't enthusiastic about attending the singles event because I just couldn't figure out how I could artfully inform the 20 and 21 year-olds that I have been graduated high school for 12 years, graduated from college for 8 years, graduated from graduate school for 4 years, have been married for 7 years, and have been a mother for 1 year.  

Phew, that would've been awkward.

We stayed in a condo in Kihei.  I loved staying in this town (Southwestern part of Maui) because it was central to pretty much everything we wanted to do and it was quiet and had a lovely beach. Plus, just up the road two miles was our favorite shaved ice booth.  Shaved ice in Maui is a must, but Local Boys does something special. They add what they call "Kauai cream" to the top which is so delicious you ask for more--which they give generously--and impulsively demand they give you the recipe which they deny generously.  It is a huge secret unfortunately and so you will have to fly to Maui and drive to Kihei to try it.

 

Our condo had a balcony with a view of the ocean, but also a view of beautiful tropical tress and bushes including Plumeria and Hibiscus.  My mother in-law's best friend, Terry, greeted us with leis and taught us how to make Plumeria arrangements for our hair (the one's the hula dancers where in luaus).

Terry

Terry actually moved from my neighborhood to Maui four years ago when her husband was offered an unbeatable job and perks.  She has lived there miserably ever since.  Having us come to visit was respite for her and she made it hell for us, to say the least.  She is a bit of a control freak and had our vacation planned for us.  Since my very nature becomes rebellious and defiant in the face of control freaks there was inevitable conflict.  In the last few years I have made a concentrated effort to be less manipulative and to be more honest in the way I interact with others.  Unfortunately, in the past four years she has honed her manipulative powers which sent me into a tailspin to which I barely recovered.

For example, there is this awful road in which no tourist will ever need to take in order to do 99% of the things available to them while on vacation in Maui.  It is a road that runs, on the north side of the island, east/west.  This particular road runs along the coast cliffs.  There is NO GUARD RAIL and is ONE SINGLE LANE UNPAVED.  Many native Maui residents live quietly away from tourists here on taro and other types of farms.  Furthermore, the rent-a-car companies FORBID you from taking their cars on it (something I learned on the first trip). On the day we decided we wanted to visit Lahaina we invited Terry along to enjoy her company. We didn't turn on the GPS since she could get us anywhere we wanted to go...

You can imagine our HORROR when she guided us onto this road.  The normal drive from Kihei to Lahaina is approximately 30 minutes.  This road took us 3 hours.  We hadn't eaten because we wanted to eat in Lahaina.  When I told her, two hours into the trip, "Terry, I can feel myself going anorexic," she laughed in a Cruella de Vil cackle and told me I was a cry baby and that the nearest food wasn't for another 45 minutes. Eventually she pointed out a world famous blow hole which I blew right by because of my starvation.  My mother and sister-in-law were relived to not see the blow hole as they too were experiencing dramatic hunger pains. This would be a good time to mention that the road is extraordinarily curvy and all of us began to be car sick.  When someone complained about it Terry said meanly, "If you can't handle this than you will never make it to Hana." where we were planning to travel in the next couple of days. This sent my anxiety about going to Hana through the roof as I would be the driver and I didn't think I would be able to handle another road like this one.  

Side Note:  The Road To Hana is legendary hell.  There are t-shirts that say, "I survived the Road to Hana" and others that say, "52 miles, 56 bridges (one-lane), and 617 curves".  I was already nervous, to say the least, about the trip to Hana without Terry's earful of crap.

On this road, however, when you find yourself face to face with another vehicle each car pulls as far over to the side, the one on the mountain side finding a very very very very small carve out to steer into and you inch slowly by each other.  We did this successfully several times until I came upon two vehicles in a row and they had both passed carve outs and there was no way we would both make it out alive trying to inch by each other.  One of us had to back up.  Terry began shouting at me to "BACK UP" in a voice that sounded like a poorly tuned french horn played by a beginner.  I began sweating and shaking.  "NO WAY!" I yelled back and I stood my ground until both vehicles backed up into carve outs.  If I was to be the one to back up I would have to literally back up the mountain on the cliff side whereas the other vehicles could back up down a very slight decline mountain side.  After we got passed each other Terry criticized me thoroughly until our arrival in Lahaina. 

Another example:  Before we left for Maui I looked online for things to do.  The Internet described whale watching season in full swing.  Further, the prices on whale watching boating excursions were incredibly reasonable (much cheaper than Oregon coast whale watching).  So I had told my mother and sister-in-law about it as a fun option.  When someone mentioned it to Terry she told us that the season was over and that it would be a waste of our time and money. Of course we believed the person who has lived in Maui for several years and decided not to go only to run into another neighbor one day while shopping for souvenirs who had just come off of a whale watching tour in which saw 9 humpback whales.  WHAT IN THE...Terry didn't want to go and so LIED to us!

So we ditched her.  We did see her the last day of our trip to say goodbye and to meet some of the girls she works with through a youth group.  The girls taught us a few hula moves and how to Tahitian dance, which is the dramatic hip movements you see at luaus.  The girls told me I was surprisingly good at it.  We saw this sunset that last day.

Hana

We decided to brave Hana despite our previous experience and yes the road was curvy and sickening but it was a fully paved two-lane highway WITH guardrails.  Hana is on the east side of the island and is very precious to Hawaiians as being true to Hawaiian culture unstained by western civilization.  It's modern but in a quiet way.

We hiked to this waterfall in Haleakala National Park which took us through a rain forest (and it rained the whole time on us), through a bamboo forest which made me think of many philosophical things and I will likely use these photos in therapy, and over creek beds which my sister-in-law and I got a big laugh about when my mother in-law fell in, twice.  Before we embarked on our journey to the falls the ranger looked at my white pants with disdain and wished me luck.  After the hike the ranger was quite impressed I only had a few mud marks on me.  

Here I am standing only about five feet in front of the falls.  A guy stood under them while we were up there and I thought he was CRAZY but he said he was already soaked through (which was true for all of us who made it up) so why not?

And here is a picture of me and one of the several smaller falls along the way up to the above one.

Also in Haleakala National Park is the Seven Sacred Pools.  The guidebook informed us that a guy made up the name to attract tourists and there are actually not even seven!  Even though they are not sacred they are amazing.  Unfortunately they were closed for swimming due to the high volume of run off and risk of being swept out to see.  Being from Oregon I've seen my fair share of waterfalls but these series of falls and pools are exquisite because there is very little vegetation due to the falls coming off of jet black lava rock.  I hope you can see that in the photos.  

Near Hana is the black sand beach which we found to be dazzling.  It is said to bring bad luck if you remove sand from this beach and though I had some stashed away I quickly threw it back before we left.  There was a bit of an eerie feeling there and to tell the truth I didn't want to take any chances--we still had to drive that curvy road home (and have a few encounters with Terry).  There were also lava tubes at this beach which we braved.

Hana was well worth the effort and the drive but we did miss the beautiful and sunny beaches of the southwest.  We spend a lot of our vacation on the beaches near Kihei.  I've never been so nicely tan before.  My feet did get so burned, however, that I wasn't able to enjoy the hot tub in the evening.  I did enjoy sitting next to it and chatting with other visitors.  My favorite lady was Lori from Victoria Island.  I teased her that she must LOVE islands which made her laugh.  She has owned her condo for more than 30 years and spends nearly a third of each year there. 

Banyan Trees

I saw this tree in Lahaina during my first trip to Maui.  I thought it was so incredible I had to show the girls.  The other (third one) is one we walked by in the rainforest and thought it would make for a fun photo op.  Check out the link because I can't think of a way to better describe them.

Another thing I loved about Maui is I never felt as if I should dress up, wear make-up, or do my hair.  Messy beach-worn hair is actually trendy.  My hair and skin haven't felt that good in years (unfortunately the moisture made me look a little too young, however, and may have played a role in the getting hit on).  

Coming home was difficult even though I cried the last day when I saw a baby with the same sandals I bought Hippo for his birthday.  

Maui is paradise.  The lifestyle, the scenery, the weather, the tropical flowers, the humidity, and the food are something I could live everyday with and be totally happy with.  So until next time, I will miss you.

One last funny story:  our Hawaiian shuttle driver, back to the airport, told me his wife is an RN and so I told him L is an RN.  He replied, "Yeah, when I go to visit her I see lots of men doing women's work!"  A good laugh for departure.

Yeah! Mommy's Home!

More to come on my trip soon.