Therapeutic Thursday

A few weeks ago an old friend approached me for some advice on her middle child's behavior problems.  Summing up, the little boy is extremely bossy with peers, to the point of slight aggression on occasion, and insecure at home constantly attention seeking and looking for approval.

I asked her what interventions she has already tried to improve her child's behavior.  She answered that she and her husband have developed an incentive program where he earns stickers throughout the day for positive behavior.  Once he earns a certain amount of stickers he receives a "date" with one of his parents.  

I asked to what degree it has worked; she said there are slight improvements in his daily behavior in that he is completely excited when he earns a sticker. Overall, however, she feels he is still quite insecure and often makes self-degrading comments.

I suggested instead of having their child earn one-on-one parent time they plan it into their week; and come up with other rewards for the stickers.

And what she said made me want to hug her (and I don't hug).  

She said, "I see what you mean.  [My child] deserves my time. He shouldn't have to earn it, he's entitled to it.  And I want to give it to him."

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Lesson one in therapist school:  Rapport (the therapeutic relationship) is the most important factor in client improvement.

The first thing to do in the first therapy session:  Build Rapport

The most important thing to do throughout the course of therapy (besides safety planning): Maintain Rapport

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The same concept applies to parenting.  Building rapport with your children is the foundation of parenting.  

How well do you know your child?  Your teenager? Your adult child?

The best way to get to know your child is to spend time with them.  A BYU professor, and long time family therapist would often say, "Quality time is a function of quantity of time."

Here are some free ways you can spend one-on-one time with your child:

-Do the dishes together while the rest of the family is watching TV

-Paint your child's nails

-Help you child with homework

-Show your child their baby pictures and tell your sweetest memories of them

-Listen to your child's favorite song and have them explain why they like it

-Talk in the car

-Go for a walk around the neighborhood

-Go on a hike

-Read a book together

-Play a card game

-Learn about something new together

-Have your child teach you something

-Make cookies together, and then eat them

Anytime I have a parent complain of opposition, defiance, arguing, contempt, non-compliance, instigation, or rebellion from their child I first suggest a weekly one-on-one date which they put on the calendar and allow NOTHING to get in the way.  Very few actually do it.  I've even had parents say, "I can't do that, I don't even like them." (they are referring to their child). I've also had more traditional excuses:  "I don't have the time", "They won't do it", and "That's just going to teach them their bad attitude is okay."

Building a strong relationship with your children, individually, is great prevention for 1) anger management problems 2) sibling relational problems 3) poor grades 4) teenage/adult apathy 5) drug and alcohol abuse 6) sexual promiscuity 7) poor accomplishment.

If you choose to begin spending one-on-one time with your children I suggest the following guidelines:

1.  Not less than once per month

2.  Both parents have involvement (this month Mom does the one-on-one time, next month Dad does)

3.  Cost is minimal--$5.00 per person or less

4.  No movies

5.  No phone calls, no door answering, no checking email/text

6.  No one else is invited--no siblings, no friends, no other family members

7.  At least one hour

8.  The child helps plan the activity

9.  The activity is planned at least a week in advance so the child  (and hopefully parent) can look forward to it.

10.  The conversation focuses on the child

One parent who actually took my suggestion to have one-on-one time with their child provided a special emotional experience for my client.  In session the 10 year-old said to me, when I asked about it, "My mom told me she'd been looking forward to it all week...she said spending time with me is her favorite part of her day."