On Maturation, Pt. 3

“Stop!” said Dr. Iglar (who I didn’t yet know was a doctor) to the portly and bored Anesthesiologist.

That’s when I knew it. It was too late. So I cried out, “NOOOOOOOO!”

Dr Iglar stated calmly, “I need to check her.”

L helped me lay down on my side and Dr. Iglar said, “She’s a ten.”

For good measure I cried out again, “NOOOOOOOO! This is my WORST fear!”

Dr. Iglar bent down again and said, “It’s okay. You can do it.”

Rhonda, my delivery nurse begged me to move to the center of the bed ten times before I complied.

Dr. Iglar said, “If you need to push, push.”

Me, “I need to push!” So I pushed and my amniotic sac exploded and felt warm around my legs. I heard Dr. Iglar whisper to L that the baby had pooped. I knew this was a potentially serious complication but for some reason I wasn’t worried.

Rhonda gave me the run-down on how to push. I ignored her. I stared at a disgusting mauve flower on the worn wallpaper border that adorned the delivery room’s wall to ceiling intersection.

Me, to no one in particular, “I don’t want to feel my body tear in half!” I was making odd noises, panting and wailing. It didn’t sound like me but some injured forest animal.

Dr. Iglar, “You’ve done this before, you can do this.”

Me, “No, I haven’t. I fake pushed my last one out!” No one understood what I meant was that I really didn’t push Hip out, he just came out. And my epidural was so strong I felt absolutely nothing.

I pushed, barely. I was scared.

I pushed again, barely. “Just pull him out!” I begged several times to anyone who made eye contact with me.

“We can’t do that, “said Dr. Ziff.

“I can see his head, “ said Dr. Iglar.

“Don’t lie to me,” I replied sternly. Did I see Dr. Ziff crack a smile?

“You can push harder,” Dr. Ziff commanded.

I pushed a little harder. And then I realized that if I pushed really hard a few times than I could just get it over with.

I pushed really hard, twice. His head was out. Oh crap, now I’ve got to get his shoulders out, I thought.

Yes, there was burning. But I could do this. I had this in the bag. My confidence soared.

So I pushed two more times. He was out and on my belly. It was 12:47 am, Thursday. I was shaking and told Rhonda that I couldn’t hold on to him. The nurses briskly took him away.

“Why isn’t he crying?” I asked.

“He’s okay, it’s fine that he didn’t cry much,” said Rhonda.

Dr. Iglar told me I needed to push out the placenta, she was rubbing my abdomen. “Will it hurt? You can just pull it out,” I asked. Dr. Ziff rolled his eyes.

It didn’t hurt.

The most amazing part about the whole experience is this: the pain and contractions were gone immediately after delivery.

Dr. Ziff left after I thanked him and Dr. Iglar profusely. I don’t know what came over me but I was in a very thankful mood.

The on-call doctor arrived just in time to miss the birth; and to help coach Dr. Iglar on how to sew me up. Dr. Iglar was good to tell me how many stitches she had left when it was clear it was agitating me. I liked that. Before she left I told her that she did a really good job and how much I appreciated her. She was excellently patient and calm, which helped me through.

The on-call doctor and I had a conversation about narcotics and I insisted I was not drug seeking. This made her laugh and L explained to her that I was a therapist in drug rehab in the past. I had no used for narcotics in my recovery, however, and used only two ibuprofens.

Then it was only L, Rhonda, the baby, and me in the room. It was over. Done. Finally. I felt empty, physically. I felt full, emotionally. I could breath too.

I sat there holding my baby as Rhonda scurried around completing the chart. She said she usually does this as labor progresses but in my quick-moving case she did not have an opportunity. She also said it was in the top five quickest labors/deliveries she had ever been a part of.

L and I were relatively quiet. It was peaceful, maybe even spiritual. But I didn’t cry, because apparently I don’t when my babies are born.

I felt different. Older? Wiser? Something had changed in me.

And the baby smelled like poop.