I Thought

being a mother would burn more calories.

Zero Temper Tantrums Today

So why am I so flipping exhausted?

Therapeutic Thursday

A few weeks ago an old friend approached me for some advice on her middle child's behavior problems.  Summing up, the little boy is extremely bossy with peers, to the point of slight aggression on occasion, and insecure at home constantly attention seeking and looking for approval.

I asked her what interventions she has already tried to improve her child's behavior.  She answered that she and her husband have developed an incentive program where he earns stickers throughout the day for positive behavior.  Once he earns a certain amount of stickers he receives a "date" with one of his parents.  

I asked to what degree it has worked; she said there are slight improvements in his daily behavior in that he is completely excited when he earns a sticker. Overall, however, she feels he is still quite insecure and often makes self-degrading comments.

I suggested instead of having their child earn one-on-one parent time they plan it into their week; and come up with other rewards for the stickers.

And what she said made me want to hug her (and I don't hug).  

She said, "I see what you mean.  [My child] deserves my time. He shouldn't have to earn it, he's entitled to it.  And I want to give it to him."

***

Lesson one in therapist school:  Rapport (the therapeutic relationship) is the most important factor in client improvement.

The first thing to do in the first therapy session:  Build Rapport

The most important thing to do throughout the course of therapy (besides safety planning): Maintain Rapport

***

The same concept applies to parenting.  Building rapport with your children is the foundation of parenting.  

How well do you know your child?  Your teenager? Your adult child?

The best way to get to know your child is to spend time with them.  A BYU professor, and long time family therapist would often say, "Quality time is a function of quantity of time."

Here are some free ways you can spend one-on-one time with your child:

-Do the dishes together while the rest of the family is watching TV

-Paint your child's nails

-Help you child with homework

-Show your child their baby pictures and tell your sweetest memories of them

-Listen to your child's favorite song and have them explain why they like it

-Talk in the car

-Go for a walk around the neighborhood

-Go on a hike

-Read a book together

-Play a card game

-Learn about something new together

-Have your child teach you something

-Make cookies together, and then eat them

Anytime I have a parent complain of opposition, defiance, arguing, contempt, non-compliance, instigation, or rebellion from their child I first suggest a weekly one-on-one date which they put on the calendar and allow NOTHING to get in the way.  Very few actually do it.  I've even had parents say, "I can't do that, I don't even like them." (they are referring to their child). I've also had more traditional excuses:  "I don't have the time", "They won't do it", and "That's just going to teach them their bad attitude is okay."

Building a strong relationship with your children, individually, is great prevention for 1) anger management problems 2) sibling relational problems 3) poor grades 4) teenage/adult apathy 5) drug and alcohol abuse 6) sexual promiscuity 7) poor accomplishment.

If you choose to begin spending one-on-one time with your children I suggest the following guidelines:

1.  Not less than once per month

2.  Both parents have involvement (this month Mom does the one-on-one time, next month Dad does)

3.  Cost is minimal--$5.00 per person or less

4.  No movies

5.  No phone calls, no door answering, no checking email/text

6.  No one else is invited--no siblings, no friends, no other family members

7.  At least one hour

8.  The child helps plan the activity

9.  The activity is planned at least a week in advance so the child  (and hopefully parent) can look forward to it.

10.  The conversation focuses on the child

One parent who actually took my suggestion to have one-on-one time with their child provided a special emotional experience for my client.  In session the 10 year-old said to me, when I asked about it, "My mom told me she'd been looking forward to it all week...she said spending time with me is her favorite part of her day."

Maui

I first visited Maui, Hawaii in May 2005 with L after graduating from graduate school.  Because of "a guy he knows" we were able to stay in a five star resort for a mere $50 a night.  It was the nicest hotel I will likely ever stay in--the sheets were for purchase for just $1200!  Anyway, that trip I experienced the magic of Maui. We were able to secure a helicopter ride, for free (another "hook up"), around the island.  Though quite inebriated, our pilot pointed out how the topical view of Maui showed the several different climates there including snow, desert, rain forest, and of course shoreline/oceanic.  This current trip allowed me to experience most of Maui's climates closer up than my first trip allowed (due to a then tight budget).  That first trip, however, is when I fell in love with this beautiful place.  I had visited Oahu on a previous trip and despite some impressive tourist attractions I couldn't really understand why people were always exclaiming that Hawaii was paradise; that just wasn't my experience with all of the man-made beaches and the thousands of tourists and the very high-end shopping (i.e. Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Dolce and Gabbana, etc.) and the prostitution (we didn't have our digital camera back then but we do have a photo of them).

Desert:

Ocean:

I was invited to go to Maui this year with my mother and sister-in-law for my sister-in-law's senior trip.  I was super stoked.  The only problem:  the cellulite on my legs, my pasty white skin whose nemesis is Hawaiian sun (my worst sun burns to date), and my yellowed-thick runner's calluses and nails.  

So I kicked my workouts into high gear.  I took only a few days over the course of four weeks, which I think paid off pretty well...you be the judge.  I think it's pretty brave of me to post this picture in that my suit is not modest.  I tell you, in the four weeks I had to find a suit I could not find a modest one piece.  The online modest retailers either did not have their collections posted and available for purchase OR I could not get them in time for my trip--I called to check. I refuse to post pictures where I am posing with my sister-in-law because she makes me look like I belong in the Maui Ocean Aquarium's whale exhibit.  

Here is a shark at the aquarium.  I liked the hammer head sharks best but didn't get a great picture of one.  BTW, they don't have a whale exhibit.

I also went tanning, a luxury I gave up years ago, and loved every minute of it.  And I got my toenails done with acrylic for $15 at a local beauty school.  

When we arrived in Maui I was immediately hit on by the rent-a-car associate which began a pattern.  I've never been hit on, over the course of a week, as much as I was on this trip.  Mind you, unless I was on the beach/in the water I always wore my wedding ring.  You may think this was flattering to my ego--okay it was a little bit--but mostly it was sort of gross and depressing. Gross because it's never fun to be hit on 1) by ugly people 2) by old men 3) by drunks 4) by the homeless or 5) when referenced as "party girl".  Depressing because I realized, when I was hit on by the younger hunks, that I have now arrived in an age classification that would make me a cougar if I took them up on their offers.  That means I would be robbing the cradle...by several years.  The most awkward situation was when we were being invited to a bonfire and the boys (yes, that's how young they were) were wondering how old we were.  I wondered how to answer their question about when I graduated:  Do you mean when I graduated graduate school, college, or high school?  So I said simply, "Oh, a VERY long time ago."  Thankfully, for me, my sister-in-law wasn't enthusiastic about attending the singles event because I just couldn't figure out how I could artfully inform the 20 and 21 year-olds that I have been graduated high school for 12 years, graduated from college for 8 years, graduated from graduate school for 4 years, have been married for 7 years, and have been a mother for 1 year.  

Phew, that would've been awkward.

We stayed in a condo in Kihei.  I loved staying in this town (Southwestern part of Maui) because it was central to pretty much everything we wanted to do and it was quiet and had a lovely beach. Plus, just up the road two miles was our favorite shaved ice booth.  Shaved ice in Maui is a must, but Local Boys does something special. They add what they call "Kauai cream" to the top which is so delicious you ask for more--which they give generously--and impulsively demand they give you the recipe which they deny generously.  It is a huge secret unfortunately and so you will have to fly to Maui and drive to Kihei to try it.

 

Our condo had a balcony with a view of the ocean, but also a view of beautiful tropical tress and bushes including Plumeria and Hibiscus.  My mother in-law's best friend, Terry, greeted us with leis and taught us how to make Plumeria arrangements for our hair (the one's the hula dancers where in luaus).

Terry

Terry actually moved from my neighborhood to Maui four years ago when her husband was offered an unbeatable job and perks.  She has lived there miserably ever since.  Having us come to visit was respite for her and she made it hell for us, to say the least.  She is a bit of a control freak and had our vacation planned for us.  Since my very nature becomes rebellious and defiant in the face of control freaks there was inevitable conflict.  In the last few years I have made a concentrated effort to be less manipulative and to be more honest in the way I interact with others.  Unfortunately, in the past four years she has honed her manipulative powers which sent me into a tailspin to which I barely recovered.

For example, there is this awful road in which no tourist will ever need to take in order to do 99% of the things available to them while on vacation in Maui.  It is a road that runs, on the north side of the island, east/west.  This particular road runs along the coast cliffs.  There is NO GUARD RAIL and is ONE SINGLE LANE UNPAVED.  Many native Maui residents live quietly away from tourists here on taro and other types of farms.  Furthermore, the rent-a-car companies FORBID you from taking their cars on it (something I learned on the first trip). On the day we decided we wanted to visit Lahaina we invited Terry along to enjoy her company. We didn't turn on the GPS since she could get us anywhere we wanted to go...

You can imagine our HORROR when she guided us onto this road.  The normal drive from Kihei to Lahaina is approximately 30 minutes.  This road took us 3 hours.  We hadn't eaten because we wanted to eat in Lahaina.  When I told her, two hours into the trip, "Terry, I can feel myself going anorexic," she laughed in a Cruella de Vil cackle and told me I was a cry baby and that the nearest food wasn't for another 45 minutes. Eventually she pointed out a world famous blow hole which I blew right by because of my starvation.  My mother and sister-in-law were relived to not see the blow hole as they too were experiencing dramatic hunger pains. This would be a good time to mention that the road is extraordinarily curvy and all of us began to be car sick.  When someone complained about it Terry said meanly, "If you can't handle this than you will never make it to Hana." where we were planning to travel in the next couple of days. This sent my anxiety about going to Hana through the roof as I would be the driver and I didn't think I would be able to handle another road like this one.  

Side Note:  The Road To Hana is legendary hell.  There are t-shirts that say, "I survived the Road to Hana" and others that say, "52 miles, 56 bridges (one-lane), and 617 curves".  I was already nervous, to say the least, about the trip to Hana without Terry's earful of crap.

On this road, however, when you find yourself face to face with another vehicle each car pulls as far over to the side, the one on the mountain side finding a very very very very small carve out to steer into and you inch slowly by each other.  We did this successfully several times until I came upon two vehicles in a row and they had both passed carve outs and there was no way we would both make it out alive trying to inch by each other.  One of us had to back up.  Terry began shouting at me to "BACK UP" in a voice that sounded like a poorly tuned french horn played by a beginner.  I began sweating and shaking.  "NO WAY!" I yelled back and I stood my ground until both vehicles backed up into carve outs.  If I was to be the one to back up I would have to literally back up the mountain on the cliff side whereas the other vehicles could back up down a very slight decline mountain side.  After we got passed each other Terry criticized me thoroughly until our arrival in Lahaina. 

Another example:  Before we left for Maui I looked online for things to do.  The Internet described whale watching season in full swing.  Further, the prices on whale watching boating excursions were incredibly reasonable (much cheaper than Oregon coast whale watching).  So I had told my mother and sister-in-law about it as a fun option.  When someone mentioned it to Terry she told us that the season was over and that it would be a waste of our time and money. Of course we believed the person who has lived in Maui for several years and decided not to go only to run into another neighbor one day while shopping for souvenirs who had just come off of a whale watching tour in which saw 9 humpback whales.  WHAT IN THE...Terry didn't want to go and so LIED to us!

So we ditched her.  We did see her the last day of our trip to say goodbye and to meet some of the girls she works with through a youth group.  The girls taught us a few hula moves and how to Tahitian dance, which is the dramatic hip movements you see at luaus.  The girls told me I was surprisingly good at it.  We saw this sunset that last day.

Hana

We decided to brave Hana despite our previous experience and yes the road was curvy and sickening but it was a fully paved two-lane highway WITH guardrails.  Hana is on the east side of the island and is very precious to Hawaiians as being true to Hawaiian culture unstained by western civilization.  It's modern but in a quiet way.

We hiked to this waterfall in Haleakala National Park which took us through a rain forest (and it rained the whole time on us), through a bamboo forest which made me think of many philosophical things and I will likely use these photos in therapy, and over creek beds which my sister-in-law and I got a big laugh about when my mother in-law fell in, twice.  Before we embarked on our journey to the falls the ranger looked at my white pants with disdain and wished me luck.  After the hike the ranger was quite impressed I only had a few mud marks on me.  

Here I am standing only about five feet in front of the falls.  A guy stood under them while we were up there and I thought he was CRAZY but he said he was already soaked through (which was true for all of us who made it up) so why not?

And here is a picture of me and one of the several smaller falls along the way up to the above one.

Also in Haleakala National Park is the Seven Sacred Pools.  The guidebook informed us that a guy made up the name to attract tourists and there are actually not even seven!  Even though they are not sacred they are amazing.  Unfortunately they were closed for swimming due to the high volume of run off and risk of being swept out to see.  Being from Oregon I've seen my fair share of waterfalls but these series of falls and pools are exquisite because there is very little vegetation due to the falls coming off of jet black lava rock.  I hope you can see that in the photos.  

Near Hana is the black sand beach which we found to be dazzling.  It is said to bring bad luck if you remove sand from this beach and though I had some stashed away I quickly threw it back before we left.  There was a bit of an eerie feeling there and to tell the truth I didn't want to take any chances--we still had to drive that curvy road home (and have a few encounters with Terry).  There were also lava tubes at this beach which we braved.

Hana was well worth the effort and the drive but we did miss the beautiful and sunny beaches of the southwest.  We spend a lot of our vacation on the beaches near Kihei.  I've never been so nicely tan before.  My feet did get so burned, however, that I wasn't able to enjoy the hot tub in the evening.  I did enjoy sitting next to it and chatting with other visitors.  My favorite lady was Lori from Victoria Island.  I teased her that she must LOVE islands which made her laugh.  She has owned her condo for more than 30 years and spends nearly a third of each year there. 

Banyan Trees

I saw this tree in Lahaina during my first trip to Maui.  I thought it was so incredible I had to show the girls.  The other (third one) is one we walked by in the rainforest and thought it would make for a fun photo op.  Check out the link because I can't think of a way to better describe them.

Another thing I loved about Maui is I never felt as if I should dress up, wear make-up, or do my hair.  Messy beach-worn hair is actually trendy.  My hair and skin haven't felt that good in years (unfortunately the moisture made me look a little too young, however, and may have played a role in the getting hit on).  

Coming home was difficult even though I cried the last day when I saw a baby with the same sandals I bought Hippo for his birthday.  

Maui is paradise.  The lifestyle, the scenery, the weather, the tropical flowers, the humidity, and the food are something I could live everyday with and be totally happy with.  So until next time, I will miss you.

One last funny story:  our Hawaiian shuttle driver, back to the airport, told me his wife is an RN and so I told him L is an RN.  He replied, "Yeah, when I go to visit her I see lots of men doing women's work!"  A good laugh for departure.

Yeah! Mommy's Home!

More to come on my trip soon.

One Year Older and Wiser Too

Now that I'm one year-old my mommy and daddy are happy they don't have to buy me formula anymore. I don't miss it too much because I like the whole milk they give me now. The first day on whole milk I had heinous gas, however, which stunk my mommy and daddy (and my grandma and grandpa who were visiting me from Oregon) out of the house.

Yesterday I had my first real "play date" but since that is one of the baby phrases my mommy hates I'm supposed to say "hang out" from now on. I loved it and was really sad when my friend had to go home. We played with my toys and went out for dinner. He didn't like it so much that I was making a mess on the floor of the restaurant and kept tattling to his Auntie (my mommy's friend) on me. I thought he was lame for tattling on me but my mommy said to forgive him because it's important to get along. I took him to see my Grandpa Con's cows after that and we had goldfish crackers for a snack. Then I took him for a walk, except I got frustrated because he can walk a whole lot faster than I can crawl.

Now that I'm eating regular food I miss my baby food a lot so my mommy gives it to me for a treat or when I am sad or hurt. This morning I had a bloody mouth when she came to get me from my crib because I fell against the rails; but I'm not telling my mommy for sure what really happened since she took so long to come and comfort me. She was really upset about it, and so was I. After I stopped crying I told her that she needs to calm down if she is going to help me survive the next 17 or so years of my life and that sometimes baby's get hurt when they are learning new things. So she gave me baby food all day to give my sore mouth a break.

This month I have learned many new things including saying "moo" for cows, "pop-pop" for grandpa (my Grandpa Randy taught me this one), "button", "uh-oh", and "bye-bye". I have approximately a 12 word vocabulary in all. I've also learned how to get into all sorts of things like cupboards and drawers. Where I really want into is the oven and the toilet and my mommy keeps saying, "No! No!" Unfortunately for my mommy I think "No!" means to do it more and so I do, while laughing hysterically. I've also learned to climb stairs, stand up for a long time, walk around furniture, get into the heater vents, and pound on assorted appliances, furniture, and windows.

The pediatrician said I get an A+ in development and he thinks it is funny that I chatter so much. My mommy and daddy didn't tell the doctor that I just barely started crawling, however. I told them that was a lie by omission and my mommy and daddy pretended they didn't hear me. I weighed in at the 80th percentile mark, my height is in the 5oth percentile. I am still chubby, which makes my mommy's biceps burn.

I still love my kitty a lot but my mommy tells me to leave her alone and she tells the kitty to leave me alone. Neither of us obey and so we both end up getting hurt sometimes. My mommy says the kitty is teasing me and one time she even bit me. I "meow" at her and wave at her and go crawling after her until my mommy has had enough and physically separates us. I tell my mommy she better get used to dealing with us because if I get my wish I will get a brother or sister someday and the trouble I get into with the kitty is just giving her practice for dealing with two kids.*

*My mommy commanded me to say that the above paragraph is in no way an announcement of any sort.

I love my new toys I got for my birthday. I got a Little People Barn from my Grandma Debi and Grandpa Randy. I got an outside swing from my Grandma Jeri and Grandpa Con. I got a 4-wheeling backhoe I can sit on from my Grandpa Ray. I got a clothes and bath toys from my Grandma Beth. I got Eric Carle's "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" 40 year special edition (which is a pop-up book, my favorite) from my Great Grandma Beverly. I got many toys and clothes from my mommy and daddy, including an outside water and sand station. My mommy says I might have to wait until next year to play with it but she doesn't know how big of fit I can actually throw.

My favorite thing from my mommy was the Hippo cake she made. I know I keep saying it but she is a genius...In reality the internet makes her look smarter and more talented than she really is.

The coolest part of turning one was how so many people came to celebrate with me. My Harris family members traveled from Tooele (Utah, approx. 80 miles away), my Grandma Debi and Grandpa Randy traveled all the way from Oregon, and my Wilcox family walked from next door. My mommy's friends brought their nephews which made me really happy too.

While my Grandma Debi and my Grandpa Randy were here I tried to make them feel welcome by taking them out to breakfast which turned out to be free because it took longer than the promised ten minutes. My mommy demanded that my daddy offer to pay but the waiter insisted that it was on the house. Then I took them to the Beehive House at Temple Square. I think they liked it but I DID NOT. It was too prim and proper for my taste and plus, when I was hanging with Brother Brigham last year (just before I was born) he said that Heaven is much nicer and you don't have to worry about NO TOUCHING PLEASE. Then I took my Grandma Debi and Grandpa Randy to get their pictures taken with me. I was such a good boy the photographers were sad to see me go. I took them to Antelope Island (Syracuse, UT) on Sunday but unfortunately it was windy, rainy, and cold. I did get to ring some bells and ride in some saddles at the ranch there, however. We also saw buffalo and antelope. I was sad when they left because my mommy is much nicer when company is around. She told me to erase that last sentence and so I pretended to and then typed it again when she stopped looking.

I still love going outside, taking a bath, going shopping and running errands, riding in the jogging stroller when the weather is nice, playing with any kids I can find, helping my mommy do laundry, going to the gym, and reading books. My favorite food is goldfish crackers--which my mommy insists on buying in whole grain--and oranges (if we're not considering baby food). My favorite time of day is nighttime, my mommy calls me a night owl like my daddy. I still love my spit rag and I still hate church.

I no longer go to the babysitter's because my mommy is convinced her three year-old son was being too rough with me. I told her to chill but she didn't and now my mommy and daddy just work out their schedules so one of them is always home with me. My mommy is sad to see my daddy less but I think my daddy enjoys the break from my mommy.

My mommy is worried I'm going to get an attachment disorder when she leaves for Maui, Hawaii for a whole week this Thursday. My daddy is going to take care of me all week which my mommy says will take her a whole month to break me from all of the bad habits I will acquire. My daddy just rolls his eyes (see what I mean by enjoying the break from her?). My daddy said he will teach my mommy how to use her web cam to talk to me everyday which made her feel a little bit better. My mommy has been working very hard to get her body beach ready and let's just say she has failed miserably but thank goodness for stylish board shorts and surf/swim shirts.

My current favorite songs are: Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You," TI & JT's "Dead and Gone," Taylor Swift's "White Horse," and Dierks Bentley's "What Was I Thinkin?"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIPPO!!!!!!!!

YOU HAVE MADE EVERY DAY THE HAPPIEST OF OUR LIVES.

As...

...I climb the stairs to lay you in your crib for the night I wonder how old you will be when you stop looking at me like that, like I am the most important thing in your world.

...you climb over me when I am folding laundry I wonder when you will stop wanting to touch me, or me to touch you.

...we fight over mealtime I think how much I cannot wait until you have a favorite food and I will make it for you.

...I read to you each night and listen to your contented sights I cannot help but read to you one more story and then another and then another.

...you are extraordinarily rowdy each week at church I wonder if, when you are old enough, you will always want to go to church.

...we shop together I smile when I think about how you have become my favorite shopping partner.

...I watch you explore every inch of the house, aiming for things you know I do not want you to touch, I wonder how many other things you will do that I do not want you to do in the next fifty or so years.  

...you make friends everywhere we go I notice how much you are like your daddy.

...we drive various places I am thankful you enjoy a car ride listening to anything I choose including Eragon (which we started just before you were born and finished in the hospital), rock, hip hop, or alternative.

...I hold you on the few occasions you snuggle I wish those moments will last forever.

...you tell me off in baby gibberish I wonder where in the he-- you learned that.

...we share our inside jokes (like peek-a-boo cheating, Where The Wild Things Are, and laughing hysterically over "fat face") I hope we will always be able to share a laugh.

...I see you chasing the kitty I hope she outruns you and you don't get hurt; how many times will I hope the same thing in the future?

...you refuse to feed yourself your bottle I am honored you choose to spend ten minutes four times a day being close to your mommy.  And how that is more important to you than your independence makes me realize I have embarked upon the most meaningful work of my life.

...we share a love for being outside I am curious what other things we might have in common in the future.

...I reflect upon the past year of your, and my, life I marvel.

Big Announcement

Drum Roll please.............................................................................





The Ogden Half Marathon is full!

And I haven't yet signed up!

WOO-HOO!

I knew if I was ambivalent long enough (about participating) I may get lucky. Even better than not feeling the pressure to find time to train adequately each week is to know that since I can't participate I can work out (or not work out) at my leisure.

(Is that an oxymoron?)

That didn't stop me from feeling overwhelmingly discouraged by this morning's series of events, however. It's like the Karmic Universe is now conspiring against me since I have proven to be spineless in the face of a physical challenge (a reference to the fact that I did not participate in the Ogden 2007 full marathon).

Bonus Points: If you caught me taking full responsibility

I ate well yesterday and went to bed early last night in preparation for a six-miler this morning. Since the weather is good and due to the fact L worked a graveyard I'd be running outside pushing Hippo. I strategically ate this morning in addition to getting Hippo up and fed allowing myself just enough time to run the course and get home before he got too hungry to manage himself.

Doesn't it sound like I was dedicated?

I knew the jogging stroller had one bum tire and L, before getting into bed told me he has this goo stuff I can use to seal up the tire and so I won't have to constantly stop and pump it up, like I had to last Saturday on the four-miler.

I got myself dressed in my outside cold weather running get-up, got Hippo in his warm outfit, loaded him into the stroller, grabbed my IPOD off the charger, put on my Spy glasses, and off we...

did not go.

I couldn't figure out the goo instructions. I'm no genius, and the goo is meant to be used by Mensa Society members only, apparently.

I decided, in my dedication, I would just stop periodically and pump. No biggie, really. Plus, it would give me a chance to take breaks that otherwise I can't justify. And off we finally went.

About a mile and a half later not just the one tire, but two tires needed to be pumped. I began the process but I could hear that the air wasn't being delivered to the tire and was escaping into the greater ozone. A bad seal on the air spout? I pulled off the pump connector and much to my dismay, the hose disconnected from the connector (which remained on the air spout). IT BROKE! THE PUMP BROKE! And there I was, with Hippo, only 1/6th of the way through the course, but pretty far from home still, with two (of three) flat jogging stroller tires and a broken tire pump.

At first I laughed a little, thinking about how much trouble I had already gone through to get to this point.

***A moment to add an important tidbit to why I was so motivated even though I will not be running a half marathon in May afterall. At book club Tuesday night, my marathon training partner informed me that she ran a six-miler last Saturday (while I was considering calling 9-1-1 on my four-miler). The kicker: she had a baby six weeks ago. This was discouraging/motivating since I had a baby six months, times two, ago. When she saw that I was discouraged she said, "It wasn't a fast six." to make me feel better. She's sweet like that, but it didn't make me feel ANY better.***

As circumstances would have it, it was a good thing I was standing across the street from a retail giant!

On the other hand, I had no money or credit cards.

I stood there seriously considering employing the bumming-money-off-of-poor-suckers-skills I have learned from addicts:
"I've run out of gas and I have to get to Salt Lake City for my brother's funeral/graduation/birthday by noon."

Or

"I'm from Wyoming and my car broke down and can't be fixed until Monday, please spare some money for a hotel."

Or

"My wallet/purse was just stolen and I can't pay for the groceries for my poor little children."

Or

"Just a few dollars for my starving dog?"

Realizing I have a conscience, I went with plan B. Slowly pushing (i.e. walking) Hippo and the stroller home and with each step, to the lopsided sound of thump-thump, I got more and more frustrated.

I had really, really tried.

By the time I rounded the corner, for the final stretch, I had two ideas to spare my workout: I could jump in the car and finish the last three miles on the treadmill at the gym OR I could call on my in-laws to watch Hippo while I ran the final three miles in the neighborhood. Darting inside I grabbed the flier with the gym's daycare hours listed: Saturdays--8:45 am to 11:30 am. Drat, it was 11:02 am--and let's just say I run a longer mile than a ten minute one.

So I grabbed Hippo out of the stroller and ran over to the in-laws (that's right, they live next door...you can save the "Everybody Loves Raymond" jokes) and knocked. No answer. I did the unforgivable. I walked right in.

Don't worry, no one was naked this time (If you really want that story I'll blog about it some other time).

No one was home. There are four willing babysitters over there and not one was home. NOT ONE.

By that time my heart rate was back to normal and I threw in the towel.

Maybe I should've committed to the half.

Anecdotal Therapeutic Thursday: "Cluck You"

Without saying too much about my specialty (because it's a little awkward and I HATE answering questions about it) it usually involves treating adolescents.

So it's unusual that I see anyone under the age of ten.  Even more unusual, anyone under the age of seven.  Due to my compassionate heart, however, when a colleague hit me up to take a five year-old with some extreme circumstances I agreed.  

And I think he has the answer to all interpersonal problems, maybe even world peace.

Our most recent session he, with his mild speech delay, was explaining to me why he hit his older brother in the mouth earlier in the day:

Me:  I don't get it, I thought you were done with that sort of thing?

Him:  It cwas [older brother] stwole the pwaddo befo my game was done.

Me:  He stole your paddle?

Him:  Yeah, befo my game was done.

Me:  After your game?

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  It still doesn't make sense to me though.  Hitting someone in the mouth is a really mean thing to do.  Last time you were here you said it was wrong to hit.  

Him:  I fwogot.

Me:  Let's talk about things you can do instead of hitting to let someone know you are mad.

Him:  After thinking a bit.  I cwould tell my mom.

Me:  That's a great idea!  But what if she's not around?  What else could you do?

Him:  After some more thinking.  I gwess I cwould tell them cluck you.

Me:  What?

Him:  I cwould tell them cluck you.

Me:  What does that mean?

Him:  I can't say it.

Me:  Why?

Him: Whispering.  It's some-ting baaaad.

Me: Like a swear word?

Him: Yeah.

Me:  Oh.  I'm not sure that saying cluck you is a nice thing to do either.

Him:  My mom doesn't get mad.

Me:   And that's when I changed the subject. 

I've thought a lot about the expression, "Cluck you" since our session and I figure he is on to something.  When your boss writes you up, "Cluck you."  When a customer is rude to you, "Cluck you."  When you are overcharged, "Cluck you."  When you're asked to do something you'd rather not do, "Cluck you."

Thinking a bit deeper.  We all know the one-fingered salute which silently communicates "Cluck you"s counterpart...wondering what sort of gesture might go with a "Cluck you".  Maybe bobbing your head back and forth as you put your hands on your hips and flap them like non-functional wings.  You could even cluck.  

The point is, I just don't think I would get mad if someone said to me, "Cluck you."  I might be more willing to consider my actions that warranted a "Cluck you" and just maybe might change.`  

Validation--I Couldn't Wait for Therapeutic Thursday

I have low cheesy tolerance.  For crying out loud I don't even own one Josh Groban CD.

But this is great.  It's 16 minutes long and so pull up a comfy chair, put the baby in the Johnny Jump Up, get yourself a snack (I ate a donut with yellow frosting and green sprinkles), and enjoy. If you find yourself thinking it's cheesy, and hence annoying, slap yourself because sometimes people just need to feel good, in a cheesy sort of way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao

Thanks Bran for sending it to me:)

I'm Tired

Because Hippo has had a fever for two days now.  It's the only time in nearly a year he's had a fever.  And it won't go away.

All he wants to do is lay on me and cry.  He can't eat, can't sleep, can't play; and neither do I.

A baby should be able to play, practice crawling so he doesn't look drunk anymore, eat his heart content, Johnny Jump Up, nap, and laugh.

I figure it is a tooth coming in.  Please Tooth Fairy (who's got to be good for something related to teeth), let the tooth come tonight while I'm sleeping.

Therapeutic Thursdays--Excuses

Besides Hippo's updates I haven't come up with a feature I thought would hold anyone's interest.

Until now.

I figure if you would like an inside look on the world of therapy (DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT READ THE BOOK  THE THERAPIST TO GET YOUR INSIDER'S LOOK) I can provide that to you once a week, or as often as I feel like it--on Thursdays.

WARNING:  If you don't want to self-examine, do not tune in.

Question:  How many excuses do you make a day?

If you don't know, tomorrow take a tally.

FYI:  I will not be recommending a *healthy* number

Yesterday a caregiver of one of my adjudicated clients attempted to convince me I should not fail her (my client) from treatment after three therapist's attempts, in four different modalities of treatment, over the course of two years with this question to me:  "Does it help at all for me to tell you she (my client) comes from a long line of people who do not like talking about emotional or sexual things?"

My verbal response:  "No, not at all."

I  kept my nonverbal response, eye rolling, on hold until the caregiver left my office.

My thought response: Who DOES like to talk about sexual things with therapists????? And I don't blame your child for not wanting to talk about ANYTHING with you...

Moreover, excuses come in tricky disguises and so pay CLOSE attention to yourself.  If you decide to take on the challenge, that is.

Excuse making is considered, in therapy land, as a Cognitive Distortion.  AKA a Thinking Error. The loose definition of a Cognitive Distortion/Thinking Error is this:  a way to justify negative or ineffective behavior.  

Problem is, thinking errors invalidate you and keep you stuck in 1) negative thinking and thus behavior patterns and, worse, 2) keep you in negative and ineffective interpersonal cycles. Moreover, disallowing you to find full satisfaction in your daily life and/or relationships.

Let me say that again, this time louder (in case you missed it):

THINKING ERRORS INVALIDATE YOU

Excuse making makes one feel justified.  Unfortunately, it actually makes one's integrity questionable. In addition, excuse making marks a lack of personal insight and defensiveness. Defensiveness is the logo for...GUILT.

The opposite of excuse making is:  TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY

Remember:  A time when you had a consumer complaint and you took your complaint to a customer service representative.  Did they make excuses?  Did you get INFURIATED?  Okay, maybe you're not the type to become infuriated.  Were you left unsatisfied? Did the service provider lose your business as a result?

Thinking errors like excuse making are not only verbal, but often behavioral. 

Think:  What can you find in your behavior that is disguising an excuse?

I thought about giving an example (had it all written out) and erased it; find an example yourself.  Really think, observe, and evaluate.  

WARNING:  If you are thinking, observing, and evaluating someone else you have just entered into another thinking error.

The purpose of this post is not to sit on a high horse and pretend I never make excuses--and if you point out to me my excuses I will likely punch you in your face the next time I see you.  And if I never see you I will hate you from afar.  And to make you feel a bit better, I made a doozy of an excuse yesterday that is still bothering me.

The purpose is to suggest something small you can become aware of in order to empower you in your life and to help you get more satisfaction from your relationships; for you to tap into a realm of happiness you may have been missing.  

Final Step:  Set a goal to reduce your excuse making.

Hint:  Be aware of the excuses you don't say aloud--the ones you tell yourself.

Hallefreakinlujah

My Mommy and Daddy Only Have One Month Left

with a baby.

Because next month I will be a toddler.

Today I turned 11 months-old.  My mommy has the flu and my daddy had to work so I spent most of the day with my Grandma Jeri and my Auntie Shelby.  

I have eight teeth now.  My mommy thinks I am getting my one year molars because usually I LOVE to get my teeth brushed but I have been crying hysterically the past few nights when she tries to brush them.  When I cry hysterically I get really angry and my face turns bright red.  I scream and holler until I get my way; sometimes I have to scream and holler for a long time because my mommy is really stubborn.  Sometimes I don't have to scream and holler for a long time because my daddy is sort of a pushover.  

I learned how to sit up from laying down this month.  When I finally figured it out I thought it was so cool I laid down and got up for an hour straight.  My mommy was happy that I occupied myself.  Even though I can't crawl yet I can go wherever I want (with the exception of up/down stairs) by rolling around. My mommy LOVES it when I roll over to her to give her kisses.  I made sure I gave her a lot this morning when she wasn't feeling good.  Plus, I can pull myself into a standing position and I can stand on my own for several seconds.  I like to fall, on purpose, from standing (the trust fall) and have my mommy or daddy catch me.  

I chit chat a lot for my age.  I pretty much have something to say about everything. And I have a special voice with which I speak to the cat (it's much more high-pitched than my regular voice.  My mommy's family will likely call it 'cat-talk').  When my mommy points her finger and says, "NO!  NO!"  I point my finger back at her and yell, "HA-YAH!"  The first time I did this I couldn't tell if my mommy's wide eyes and red face meant that she thought it was funny or if she was enraged.  

I like to stand up in my crib and put my legs through the rails.  You should see the bruises I have on my legs from doing this.  My mommy is worried someone is going to call CPS on her eventually.  You may be wondering why I don't have a bumper pad to prevent me from doing this.  I used to have one but I wouldn't stop fooling around with it and my mommy got worried I would either suffocate myself or choke myself with it.  And I learned to lift it up anyway so I would be putting my legs through the rails anyway.

I weigh more than 25 lbs and I'm not sure if I still register tall.  My hair is grown in just a bit more and my mommy and daddy enjoy fashioning it into different styles.

I have a keen sense of humor and my mommy can often trick me into laughing instead of crying. I think she is really funny most of the time but sometimes I think she is mean especially when she gets angry with me for making a GINORMOUS mess when I eat.  For example, I like to hit the loaded spoon so the food goes flying around the kitchen.  This makes my mommy furious and she usually ends up saying naughty words and holding my hands down, which in turn makes me angry and so then I spit my food out onto her.  We both need a time out after such meals.

I am still very friendly.  Much to my mommy's embarrassment and chagrin my favorite store is Walmart because I make many friends there.  I wave and chit chat.  I also like the pharmacy because standing in long lines gives me a perfect opportunity to capture a crowd with my bright personality and silliness.  People love me and my mommy can't seem to go anywhere anymore without having to talk to millions of people about me.  My new favorite social scene is the gym daycare, however.  The daycare providers LOVE me (and that is an understatement). They yell out my name when my mommy carries me through the door to drop me off. When she picks me up they always tell her how cute and happy I am to play with the toys and to play with the other kids.  My mommy says it is a good thing I am cooperative about going because it is really all my fault she has to go to the gym in the first place.  I remind her that it is all really my daddy's fault, to stop complaining and to drop and give me 20 (sit ups that is, because what is the deal with her saggy abs?)

I love all of the same things that I have always loved like my kitty, books and reading time, being outside, my stuffed frog "Lily", and my spit-up rags.  I really love to tear up and eat paper.  I especially love to bite chunks out of my board books.  My mommy always catches me, even when I try and be sneaky, and I yell at her when she digs the pieces out of my mouth.  I still hate it when my mommy and daddy get me out of the tub before I am ready and when my mommy ignores my attempts to get her full attention for 24 hours per day.  She says that sometimes we need to play by ourselves to save our sanity and our relationship but I think she is full of it. 

I have dropped a nap; now just one nap in the early afternoon.  This makes my mommy's life easier but I do get a little grumpy some days and my mommy threatens to add another nap if I don't change my attitude.  She says, "You freak, you sleep." 

If you have any questions for me you are more than welcome to post one to the comments and I will answer them.  I can even answer hard life questions--babies are really good at philosophizing.

Welcome Home G

A little know fact, if you have only known me in adulthood:  I love baseball.

And I love the Seattle Mariners the most.

Growing up I tried really hard to be athletic.  I just wasn't.  I just am not.  Back then I loved two sports:  baseball and NCAA basketball.  But I'm not talking about my 1992 obsession with Bobby Hurley in this post.

My freshman year of high school (1993) I wrote the only fan letter of my life to my favorite sports star.  I got his address from my brother's Sports Illustrated for Kids, where I also learned he had attempted suicide as a teenager by swallowing a whole bottle of Ibuprofen. (When I told this to L last night, surprising him with my sports trivia knowledge, he replied, "Good thing it wasn't Tylenol.")  I think I cried when I wrote that letter, overcome with inspiration (sniff, sniff).

In adulthood I have become disillusioned with professional sports--are you kidding me Ben Roethlisberger?  $27.7 million in one season?!  Are you kidding me American public/culture? This is on what we invest our hard-earned cash?

And that is just one athlete...

You know, there are still starving children in Africa.  There are still starving children in Appalachia.  There are still starving people EVERYWHERE while you're cruisn' around on whatever six-digit motorcycle with which you decided to replace your crashed one.

Despite my disillusionment clearly I still soak up meaningless sports information.

Last night, while watching Sports Center (with L, I NEVER watch Sports Center on my own; at least not since the year 2000) it was reported that Ken Griffey Jr. just signed a one year deal to come home to Seattle.  Likely his last.  I got teary eyed.  L thought the tears were due to my stomach flu. Well, that too.

I felt something I haven't felt since the Mariner's won the AL West in 1997 and sent five players to the the All-Star game.  That feeling I had when I first saw Ken Griffey Jr., in real life at the Kingdome, hit a homer.  The feeling I had the first time I sat in Safeco field (and the game almost rained out despite the state-of-the-art retractable roof).  I got excited and hopeful (disillusion's nemesis).  I GOT VIBES!

Vibes are something you feel when Ken Griffey Jr. is about to hit a homer.

If I didn't have the stomach flu, today I would be wearing my Seattle Mariner's sports paraphernalia--boxers, v-neck T-shirt with the old colors and logo, New Era cap, "Ken Griffey Jr. for President" pin--and waving my Ken Griffey Jr. pendent flag.  

When You're Helping You're Happy

And so is Mommy!

Does This Make You Feel Nervous?

This Is What L Got Me...

For Valentine's Day...

I'm not sure what to think.

This Week

This is the fourth post I've added tonight so keep reading.

My new simple and minimal life took a dramatic turn for the complicated and maximal this week. 

Monday:  Worked out--legs.  Cracked the whip while L and I deep cleaned the middle level of the house.  Cooked and prepped for my Book Club meeting for Tuesday.  Took care of every one of Hippo's needs.

Tuesday:  Dropped Hippo off at the babysitters, went to work and saw 8 clients, came home and continued cooking, madly, for my Book Club meeting.  The menu included my sister's hot corn dip (with a few twists) and pita chips, rustic beef stew with homemade foccacia bread for dipping (covered in my home grown Rosemary), lemon curd tart with lemon whipped cream, pear clafouti with cinnamon and vanilla whipped cream, and lemon water.  This menu was genius, if I do say so myself.  Hosted my book club until the last member left at 10:30 pm.  I think I committed to running the Ogden half marathon some time before the meeting ended...Cleaned everything up including all the dishes.  Don't worry, L picked Hippo up and took care of his every need.

Wednesday:  Went to work and saw 10 clients--10 very hard clients.  Came home and took care of Hippo's every need.

Thursday:  Worked out--arms--and almost went postal when the junior high kids invaded the weight room.  I felt like I was at work but I DIDN'T feel like I had to be nice to them.  Cooked dinner at 1:00 pm so L could take it to work that night.  Went to the library and stayed until the glares of the quiet folks drove us out.  Started to read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.  Took care of Hippo's every need.

Friday:  Got up early so I could work out--legs and bike--and get my hair done.  Grudgingly went to L's friend's birthday party which turned out to be pretty fun.  BUT, this was after L took us to the wrong restaurant and when he realized his mistake yelled loudly, "You've got to be f------ sh----- me..."  That was embarrassing.  Took care of Hippo's every need.

Saturday:  Woke up early to attempt to train for a half marathon (I'm not sure I'm really going to do this).  I was able to run three miles pretty well (to think exactly two years ago I ran nine miles).  Cleaned the fridge, did laundry, bought a new car seat, went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, took care of Hippo's every need, ate six chocolate chip cookies (uh, I ran three miles after I worked out my arms so I get to if I want), blogged, and watched recorded cooking shows.

Hippo has become the gym's most popular attendee.  When we walk into the day care the providers exclaim, "HIPPO!" and he gets giddy in my arms.  The care providers tell me how good he is and how much fun he has which makes the other children have fun.  

This morning L didn't want to go to the gym with us and after I laid the guilt on thickly he finally agreed.  When we walked into the day care room to drop Hippo off one of the care providers said, "Wow Hippo, your mommy works out all of the time!" to which I dramatically looked at L until he realized he should be a little more dedicated himself.