Therapeutic Thursdays--Excuses

Besides Hippo's updates I haven't come up with a feature I thought would hold anyone's interest.

Until now.

I figure if you would like an inside look on the world of therapy (DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT READ THE BOOK  THE THERAPIST TO GET YOUR INSIDER'S LOOK) I can provide that to you once a week, or as often as I feel like it--on Thursdays.

WARNING:  If you don't want to self-examine, do not tune in.

Question:  How many excuses do you make a day?

If you don't know, tomorrow take a tally.

FYI:  I will not be recommending a *healthy* number

Yesterday a caregiver of one of my adjudicated clients attempted to convince me I should not fail her (my client) from treatment after three therapist's attempts, in four different modalities of treatment, over the course of two years with this question to me:  "Does it help at all for me to tell you she (my client) comes from a long line of people who do not like talking about emotional or sexual things?"

My verbal response:  "No, not at all."

I  kept my nonverbal response, eye rolling, on hold until the caregiver left my office.

My thought response: Who DOES like to talk about sexual things with therapists????? And I don't blame your child for not wanting to talk about ANYTHING with you...

Moreover, excuses come in tricky disguises and so pay CLOSE attention to yourself.  If you decide to take on the challenge, that is.

Excuse making is considered, in therapy land, as a Cognitive Distortion.  AKA a Thinking Error. The loose definition of a Cognitive Distortion/Thinking Error is this:  a way to justify negative or ineffective behavior.  

Problem is, thinking errors invalidate you and keep you stuck in 1) negative thinking and thus behavior patterns and, worse, 2) keep you in negative and ineffective interpersonal cycles. Moreover, disallowing you to find full satisfaction in your daily life and/or relationships.

Let me say that again, this time louder (in case you missed it):

THINKING ERRORS INVALIDATE YOU

Excuse making makes one feel justified.  Unfortunately, it actually makes one's integrity questionable. In addition, excuse making marks a lack of personal insight and defensiveness. Defensiveness is the logo for...GUILT.

The opposite of excuse making is:  TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY

Remember:  A time when you had a consumer complaint and you took your complaint to a customer service representative.  Did they make excuses?  Did you get INFURIATED?  Okay, maybe you're not the type to become infuriated.  Were you left unsatisfied? Did the service provider lose your business as a result?

Thinking errors like excuse making are not only verbal, but often behavioral. 

Think:  What can you find in your behavior that is disguising an excuse?

I thought about giving an example (had it all written out) and erased it; find an example yourself.  Really think, observe, and evaluate.  

WARNING:  If you are thinking, observing, and evaluating someone else you have just entered into another thinking error.

The purpose of this post is not to sit on a high horse and pretend I never make excuses--and if you point out to me my excuses I will likely punch you in your face the next time I see you.  And if I never see you I will hate you from afar.  And to make you feel a bit better, I made a doozy of an excuse yesterday that is still bothering me.

The purpose is to suggest something small you can become aware of in order to empower you in your life and to help you get more satisfaction from your relationships; for you to tap into a realm of happiness you may have been missing.  

Final Step:  Set a goal to reduce your excuse making.

Hint:  Be aware of the excuses you don't say aloud--the ones you tell yourself.