Back Seat Mormons

Hip and I attended our new ward (church congregation) for the first time today. We were warmly welcomed, and then warmly escorted from the building afterward.

This is what needed to happen to Hip during sacrament meeting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xSKEeKw_TA

We are used to having sacrament meeting first in the three hour block (11:00 AM) which means Hip is the most well slept, well fed, well cooperative he's going to be. This new ward does not have sacrament meeting until 1:00 pm which means Hip was the most tired, most hungry, and most uncooperative he was going to be.

When we entered the chapel, where the meeting is held, the only seats available was the second row from the front, behind a family who had gathered for a baby blessing (celebrating new life and putting a child's name on the church records). The only other time Hip has sat in a pew was for his cousin's baby blessing a few months ago which was in the early morning; but I was so ill that day I have very little memory of it other than almost throwing up Cheerios at my brother's church building. We have always sat in the back row, in our old ward, in folding chairs exactly next to an exit. This proves to be most advantageous as we can coral Hip, he is not distracted by very many people, not very many people are distracted by him (except the other half-hearted back-row folks who are looking to be distracted anyway), and in case of an emergency (temper tantrum, screaming/yelling, disobedience, poop, and general rowdiness) we can make a speedy exit without having to scramble over anyone else in the process.

To list a few highlights (or lowlights) of our church experience:

-Hip staining my new white maternity shirt with drool dyed orange from his goldfish snack in nursery

-Hip hitting me and the girl sitting in front of us

-Us barging into another ward's all-men's meeting when trying to find an empty room for time out (we have the empty rooms scouted out in our old ward building)

-Hip finding the hidden candy in the diaper bag and screaming either, "I WANT CANDY" or "I HAVE CANDIES" every five or so minutes

-Jumping on the pew facing the entire congregation, screaming/yelling/hollering about: as for mentioned candy, hellos to those he would like to get to know, trucks, stickers, snacks, nursery, puppets, balloons, glad tidings, no-so-glad tidings, books, etc.

-Screaming in delight in response to the children behind him

-Getting to know the lady sitting next to him during fast and testimony meeting by which my observations she was feeling quite touched

-Screaming to the girl in front of him, after he hit her, "DON'T DO THAT, OKAY?" (I'm still not sure what she was not supposed to be doing)

-Throwing his rag at me

-Trying to escape the pew with so much effort he became as sweaty as a pig (and hence slippery), and so did I

-Hip yelling to several speakers

-Hip refusing to pray, even though he used to pray, and screaming about a variety of things instead

-Hip dribbling chocolate down his face, clothes, and onto the plush pew cushion when I finally relented in giving him candy to stop the screaming

-Hip choking on a Mike 'n Ike candy to the point where I was considering administering first aid

I had a profound impression driving home: People don't go inactive because of testimony problems, they go inactive because of toddlers.