Therapeutic Thursday/Saturday: Justification

I intended to post this Thursday, the flu got in the way.

Recently one of my couple clients came into session and related a VERY large fight they had which escalated to the point of her threatening to never allow him to see their children again and him swearing at her/name calling in front of their children. Can you just imagine the finger pointing that was going on in front of me. I said nothing, instead I wrote this on my office white board:

Others' bad behavior is never a good justification for our own bad behavior.

The fact that they were able to discuss this with each other, take personal responsibility for their bad behavior, and make plans how they will avoid such bad behavior in the future has given me/them a glimmer of hope that maybe their marriage will work out after all.

It turned out, this statement was applicable in nearly EVERY other session I had that week.

No wonder our world sucks so bad, is what I thought after that long week.

When we believe we are justified in aggression, violence, threats, verbal assault, insults, contempt/sarcasm, hatred, and other negative behavior after someone has 'wronged' us we are WRONG! Every time. No exceptions.

What ever happened to patience, turning the other cheek, and asserting our thoughts and feelings in a calm and rational manner? Or setting boundaries with the people who will not stop wronging us despite our healthy attempts to redirect them?

If you are like me and have messed up, have reacted to--instead of responding to--someone wronging you, take responsibility. Don't justify yourself.

Hint: Valid efforts to change your behavior in the future is the remedy--make a plan for new/different behavior when something/someone challenging crosses your path. Follow your plan. I know, this works for me (I know A LOT of challenging people...see post below).