Nearly two years ago I had my last prenatal visit. I was 39.75 weeks pregnant and it was a Wednesday morning and I was wearing a green shirt I purchased from Target (I'm trying to remember what shoes I was wearing and it bothers me I can't recall. Very strange as I plan my outfits around the shoes I want to wear).
After the checkup my nurse midwife asked if I wanted to be induced, right then. I said, "YES!" very eagerly. She laughed at my enthusiasm and said, "Well, I know you've been uncomfortable." I fake-laughed my agreeance. My eagerness had nothing to do with my discomfort and everything to do with the fact that I a day full of crappy clients scheduled that I would rather birth a child than endure.
In order to become a crappy client you can do one of the following:
1. Swear at your therapist. The mother of all swear words followed by "you" is a therapist favorite.
2. Bang your head against your therapist's office wall. Throw in pulling your hair out and throwing the chunks extruded onto your therapist's office floor as an extra bonus.
3. Blame your therapist for the bad things that happen in your life, including being sent to jail after you: use drugs, assault a police officer, destroy property, refuse to comply with your court orders, etc.
4. Scream a lot in your therapist's 7'x7' office, with the door closed.
5. When you cry, howl.
6. Don't attend your scheduled appointments and DO NOT call ahead to cancel.
7. Arrive late to your scheduled appointments and then become belligerent when your therapist ends session at the scheduled time.
8. Threaten to sue your therapist for the following reasons: your therapist abiding by mandatory reporting laws and HIPPA laws.
9. Abuse your children and then blame your therapist when your children are removed by State Authorities.
10. Use drugs right before your scheduled session.
11. Do not shower within 24 hours of your scheduled appointment.
12. Wear pants/shorts with a hole in the crotch and sit spread eagle across from your therapist.
13. Blame your therapist for your lack of progress.
14. Take none of your therapist's advice/suggestions and complain that you are not making progress.
15. a. Blame your therapist when your marriage ends because you cheated on your spouse.
b. Blame your husband's therapist when your marriage goes array after your husband cheats on you.
16. a. Bring your infants/toddlers to session.
b. Pretend not to notice the smell of feces when your infant/toddler defecates during session.
17. Lie, compulsively, to your therapist.
18. Remain in denial for significant amounts of time, especially if someone else is picking up the bill.
19. Develop a crush on your therapist, making your therapist feel severely uncomfortable.
20. Do not pay your bill, owing your therapist up to $450.
21. Act as if your therapist should treat you for free, or nearly free.
22. Threaten to kill your therapist, your child's therapist, or your spouse's therapist.
23. Threaten to harm your therapist's family, especially their children.
24. Leave disagreeable messages on your therapist's voicemail, even threatening messages.
25. Call your therapist incessantly. Or call your therapist over menial things, like scheduling, when your therapist employs an assistant, with a separate phone number listed on your therapist's cards which they have given to you on several occasions, to do such menial things.
4 comments:
WOW! That's quite the list. I would like to see you make a list of "How to be a Crappy Person". I'm sure that you would be able to list things that would blow my mind away and leave me curled up in the fetal position crying.
I hope that you get to work with some good clients more often than not (or least some less-crappy clients).
I'm sorry that you have to deal with these folks, but that list was really funny.
When I took Sam to his EI eval last week he pooped and I smelled it right away, so I excused myself to change him. Both the evaluators enthusiastically thanked me. I thought their reaction was odd, but after reading this list, maybe changing a baby quickly is odd...
Thank you for the list. I've been trying to figure out what I wanted to be for Halloween and I had thought of "crappy client" but I wasn't quite sure if I would be able to pull it off. With that list I now can successfully be a great "crappy client" for Halloween.
I agree with M's first comments. I'm sorry you have to endure these things but they are funny in a sick way. maybe I need therapy if I think that way.
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